


knockin' on heaven's door

by commandmetobewell



Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: Cancer, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Love Triangles, OT3, also harold miller is an official tag im creating it now if it hasn't already been done, anyways this is a messy pain fic so enjoy this piece of shit, mainly lou/tammy but the end has the ot3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-15 09:53:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18071147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commandmetobewell/pseuds/commandmetobewell
Summary: Tammy never expected to fall in love with Lou Miller, but not everything is always set in stone.





	knockin' on heaven's door

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha this is death bye

When Tammy gets the call from Arthur Kill Correctional Institute, at first she thinks it's a weird prank.

But then when she picks up and Debbie's solemn voice answers back with, _"I fucked up"_ and _"I left Lou"_ , Tammy is in shock.

"You what?" She asks, but Debbie doesn't repeat herself.

 _"Please,"_ Debbie tells her over the crackle of the line, _"you need to make sure she's alright. I tried calling… but…"_

"I know," Tammy sighs, rubbing her forehead as she gazes to the swell of her stomach. "I'll go, Deb. Don't worry."

_"Thanks, Tammy. And I… I'm sorry."_

"I don't think I'm the one you should be apologizing to," Tammy says, and although she doesn't mean for it to be biting it is.

Debbie only sucks in a breath, and for a moment Tammy imagines she's about to disagree, but then Debbie only murmurs, _"I know."_

They hang up after that, with someone calling for Debbie to get back in line, and Tammy wishes her a safe stay for the duration of her sentence.

After fixing herself a coffee and taking a shower, Tammy prepares herself to pick up the pieces like she'd never left them at all.

* * * 

Tammy doesn't visit Lou until three days later (after multiple attempts to contact her with no results). Lou's a big girl, a strong girl, if Tammy would say so herself. She was always closer to Debbie than Lou, having grown up with the other woman, but when Lou entered their lives, it was as if the world as they'd known it had come to a crashing ball of light. Lou was slick and cool, confident and suave, reserved but never timid. Lou was everything Tammy wasn't, and even though at some point Debbie and Tammy had tried to be more, even Tammy knew that Lou was always meant to be Debbie's.

Tammy is a fence, a natural criminal, so when Lou doesn't answer after the fifth knock, she sneaks around the back of the too-big, too-sketchy loft to the secret back entrance only she and Debbie knew about. She fiddles with the lock and enters, her nose turning up at the distinct smell of the kitchen.

It's dark, even though it's nearly four in the afternoon and in the middle of summer, but it's pitch black. Tammy's stomach clenches as she pads through the small, dank hallway to try and get towards a light source. Her boot crunches under glass, and Tammy can smell the horrid mix of alcohol and bile.

"Lou?" She calls out warily. "Lou, where are you? I know you're home, your bike is in the drive."

When silence answers back, Tammy's heart rate begins to accelerate. Lou was never one to lose control or slip off the rails, but this is new.

Tammy finally finds the light switch and she flips it, a gasp leaving her lips the minute the surroundings are illuminated in a pale orange hue.

A collection of bottles, opened and unopened, broken and clean litter the floors. There's trash overflowing in the sink, what looks to be old smears of blood on a dent in the wall next to the stove. The kitchen is ransacked, pots and pans littered everywhere and broken plates and mugs scattered into the living room. Tammy steps forward, her throat gagging at the intensity of the smells as she makes her way into the loft, praying that Lou is alive. 

But then Tammy's worst nightmare comes true as she makes out the prone, skinny heap of bones and skin laying face down on the couch.

"Lou!" Tammy practically screams her name as she rushes into the room. "Oh my god," she mutters as she reaches into her pocket for her phone with her free hand. Her other hand quickly brushes aside the mussed blonde locks from her friend's face. Tammy's eyes widen when she looks at Lou's state.

Deep bags hang underneath those glossy blue eyes, blinking distantly. Lou's breathing, but she's not here. Tammy keeps calling her name, but Lou is catatonic, glazed and in her own realm. Lou's clothes are barely clinging to her thin, frail body, and Tammy hates how she can see each bone and rib poking through the ripped material of her baby blue tank top. Tammy goes to reach for her hand when she makes out the bruises along Lou's arm.

And Tammy's heart breaks when she notices the band around her upper arm.

"Jesus," Tammy swallows as she blinks back tears. "I…"

But Lou doesn't react. 

For once in her life, Tammy wonders if she's too late this time.

* * * 

Lou doesn't speak the entire time Tammy spends cleaning her up and setting her place straight. Tammy makes Lou a peanut butter sandwich which remains uneaten. Lou's still high, that much Tammy can see, but it's not a good high. Lou looks lost, and it puts a dent in the indomitable image she'd always carried. Tammy never would have pictured the strong, steadfast Lou, the impenetrable Australian with steel for bones and fire for a heart, to crumble like this. And perhaps that's what hurts the most as she stares at Lou staring back at her blankly, that she doesn't recognize this Lou.

"You can't do this," Tammy tells her that evening as she helps lift Lou's gangly limbs into the bed. "You can't kill yourself over her, Lou."

At that, Lou finally blinks and Tammy jumps at the slight glimpse of awareness which passes over Lou's eyes.

But then it's gone, and Tammy worries she's never going to see it again.

* * * 

_"When are you coming home?"_

"Soon," Tammy sighs as she rubs her forehead. "Lou's in a bad way, Der."

Derek, her husband, pauses a moment before he takes a worrying breath. _"You're not her keeper, Tammy."_

"No," Tammy replies, gazing over to where Lou is sitting with her knees curled up to her chest on the couch. "But I'm all she has right now."

_"That's not your fault."_

"Teddy--"

 _"You're my wife."_ There's a grating tone to his voice and it makes Tammy flinch. _"Not hers."_

"What are you saying?"

_"I'm saying you're coming home. It's not good for you to be around a person like her when you're pregnant, Tammy."_

"She needs me--"

 _"I need you,"_ Derek snarls into the phone. _"But ever since you got that call from Deborah all you think about is Lou."_

"Don't even go there, Derek. Don't you doubt my love for you."

 _"It's not your love for me that I doubt,"_ Derek mutters coldly, defeatedly. _"It's your love for_ her _which I doubt."_

He doesn't specify, and Tammy knows that he doesn't have to by the way she can't fight his words or tear her eyes away from Lou's prone body. 

And when he hangs up moments later, Tammy hates that she doesn't even feel the slightest bit of hurt.

* * * 

Days later, and Lou still doesn't want to speak. 

"I'm going out," Tammy tells her from where Lou is sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of water shaking between her fingers. "I'll be back soon."

Lou doesn't acknowledge it, not that Tammy expects her to.

So when she gets into the car, Tammy whips out her phone and dials the only person who could explain the extent of the damage done to her friend.

It takes a few rings before a gruff voice answers, _"I was wondering when you'd call me."_

"Cut the shit, Danny. What happened?"

There's a pause, a sigh, and the distinct sound of Danny's voice cracking as he explains, _"heist went bad. Debbie got caught up in the wrong crowd and was framed by Becker."_ Tammy frowns at the familiarity of the name. "Becker as in Claude Becker, that artist that Debbie was talking to months back?"

Danny sighs. _"That's the asshole. Debbie always did have terrible choice in men."_

That piques Tammy's attention. "What do you mean? Debbie was still with Lou until she was arrested, wasn't she?"

But she hates that she can almost feel Danny wincing on the other end. She sucks in a deep breath, praying for it not to be true.

 _I left Lou,_ she hears Debbie's voice in her ear, and it all makes sense.

 _"Lou…,"_ Danny's voice cracks on her friend's name. " _She wasn't happy with the heisting. She wanted more to life than crime. Wanted to settle, wanted to spend time with Debbie. Talked the whole game too, marriage and the dog and the two kids and a summer home in Lake Tahoe. They had more than enough to put it away, but you know Debbie. She wasn't one to give it up when things were getting big. And Lou, despite their disagreements, was willing to give up her dream to keep Debbie happy. And because of their disagreement, Debbie found something new. And she paid the price."_

"Danny," Tammy whispers, swallowing thickly. "Did Debbie…?" She can't even say the words.

Luckily--or rather, _unluckily_ \--she doesn't have to finish her question because Danny sighs, _"she cheated on Lou for a few weeks before they broke off. Becker was interesting and flashy and daring, and Lou was… Lou wasn't what she wanted at that time. Lou… God, Lou never even knew until the arrest."_

"I'm gonna kick her ass," Tammy growls protectively. "Lou's a mess, Dan."

 _"I know,"_ Danny replies quietly. _"I saw her after Deb was on the news for the arrest. She… she's changed."_

"Changed?" Tammy scoffs, shaking her head bitterly. "Do you know how I found her a few days ago? She was high--not stoned--but _high_. She was laying face-down on the couch, veins shot to hell and a band around her arm. She's not just fucking changed, Danny. She's in trouble. And Debbie…"

 _"I'm not defending her,"_ Danny mutters, _"Lou's as much my sister as Deb is."_

"Then where are you?" Tammy asks, gripping the phone tighter. "She needs you, Dan."

There's a weighted silence which passes between them before Danny replies, _"I can't. I'm… in deep shit right now, Tam--"_

"Fucking bull," Tammy sighs as she closes her eyes. "You Oceans are all the fucking same."

Danny doesn't apologize, only whispers, _"I never wanted it to be like this. Neither did Debbie."_

Tammy's eyes ghost back over to Lou's loft, her heart sinking into the pit of her stomach.

"Yeah, well, so much good that did, Dan."

* * * 

It takes a month for Lou to finally talk, and that too, is when Tammy comes home from grocery shopping to find Lou bottle deep in Jameson, leaned up against the couch. Tammy curses herself at the sight; she'd been sure she'd cleared the alcohol from Lou's place, but it takes a criminal to know one.

And Lou has always been a mighty fine criminal.

Too tired to fight, Tammy just slumps onto the love seat across from Lou with a sigh. "So this is it then? This is what you're going to keep doing?"

Lou doesn't reply, her eyes staring blankly ahead. Tammy rolls her eyes, "you can't torture yourself forever, Lou."

"Then kill me yourself," Lou mutters emotionlessly as her eyes flit upwards. "God knows I can't fucking do it."

Her voice, hoarse from lack of use, is still crystal clear. At first Tammy is taken aback at the sound of Lou's voice, but then the words hit her.

"What the hell are you talking about, Miller?"

Lou's face scrunches and her eyes narrow angrily. Stumbling drunkly to her feet, Lou sways over to her with a snarl playing at her lips.

"I said," Lou growls the words, " _kill_ me."

"Lou," Tammy gasps, tears welling in her eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"They all leave anyways," Lou chuckles darkly, gesturing to the room around her. "Debbie. Danny. _You_. I don't have a fucking family, unless you count my shit-head criminal of a father who loved drugs and alcohol and violence more than his own flesh and blood." Tammy stays quiet as Lou chuckles again, throwing her head back as she sways on her feet. "And you know what, I'm the biggest fuckin' twat to ever believe that I could have something different."

Lou takes a swig from the bottle and shakes her head bitterly before setting the glass down. She reaches for the hem of her shirt and pulls it up, tossing it over her head to reveal the intricate map of faded scars and burn marks littering her body, between the sharp outline of her ribs and spine. A knot forms in Tammy's throat as her eyes flit over each and every one, her gaze lingering on the long stretch which ran from her hip to below her breast.

"Oh that?" Lou asks, following Tammy's gaze. "That was when Father decided to teach me a lesson. I wouldn't shoot one of his defectors, so he took his rage out on me. Told me I needed to learn to be strong, to not hesitate. He cut me open and left me to bleed in a back alley until someone found me. He didn't let me die. No, because death is the cowards' way out, and Father never raised me to be a fucking coward." Lou's shoulders are trembling now, and Tammy doesn't even know how to respond as her friend crumbles to her knees, her hands reaching up to clutch at the tangled mess of her hair.

"I can still hear him, you know?" Lou's voice is quiet, almost scared. "I hear him telling me that I'm gon' be alone forever. That people will always want something from me and they'll always take, but they'll never give. Because that's the world now, it's cruel and heartless and love is a fallacy." Lou snorts as she slumps against the couch, her eyes glancing back up to look at Tammy with a sad shrug and a watery smile. "Guess he was right, huh? Look at me now. I'm a mess."

"No," Tammy interjects, finally finding the words. "No, Lou, he's not right. Debbie did love you. She fucked up, but she loves you. Danny, too. I love you, Lou, and you aren't alone. I'm not leaving you here, okay? I'm not going to let you go and I sure as hell am not going to kill you. Understood?"

Lou contemplates her words, glancing her over before she smirks half-heartedly. "I don't think you could, Tim-Tam."

With that, Tammy flings herself across the way and folds Lou's thin body into her arms. "I'm not leaving you, Lou."

Her palms run a soothing line down the bumps of Lou's spine, catching in the scars which paint the way with grace and ease. "You're one of my best friends, you idiot, and I'm not letting you go. I promise." Lou chuckles at that, watery and sad as she shakes her head in the crook of Tammy's neck.

"Promises are meant to be broken," Lou mutters with a sigh. Tammy sets her jaw resolutely.

"Not this one, Lou."

* * * 

Through the thick and thin, Tammy keeps her promise.

Whether it be holding Lou's hair back as she vomits from the naloxone or holds her head in her hands when the wars inside her mind threaten to drown her, Tammy _stays_. She sees it all, hears it all. She wakes Lou from nightmares, pulls her from comatose daydreams and sadness. She steadies Lou when she's ready to fall. She sleeps beside Lou, her smaller body wound around Lou's taller frame to shield her from the demons that are constantly pulling at her bones.

Through it all, Tammy stays.

She's resolute in this.

* * * 

It takes a gruelling few months for Lou to get back on her feet, but Tammy is with her every step of the way. 

Lou drains the alcohol in her kitchen down her sink and replaces drugs for exercise. Tammy takes her to AA and NA meetings, and despite Lou's pride taking a hit, she is determined to stay clean. Tammy discovers a new reverence for Lou, a woman who's had the whole world taken from her, has been pushed down so many times, but still manages a way to get up and fight. Lou is still broken and fragile, but she is so much more than her past. She is a beautiful tragedy.

Tammy catches her in her garage often, doing chin-ups and push-ups and sit-ups and all the other kinds of _ups_  which exist. Muscle replaces the bone protruding through Lou's skin, hardening it and building the armour that was once weathered down and tattered. It raises a blush on her cheeks on certain days, when Lou opts for just a sports bra and a pair of tight shorts and runs through her workout with gritted teeth and focused blue eyes. Tammy is a married woman with a child on the way, but even she can't hide her attraction to those toned muscles and the sweat dripping from Lou's collarbones…

And when Lou takes up boxing again, Tammy is a goner.

When Lou, Debbie, and Tammy used to run jobs together back in the day, Lou was always their go-to muscle if they needed. Despite Lou being lithe and gangly, she was lean. It makes more sense now, knowing about Lou's past, that she knew how to fight. Tammy had witnessed Lou rain a beat-down on men twice her size and three times her weight without breaking a sweat. Lou was a force of nature, and Tammy knows that at least that much hasn't changed.

But Tammy knows she can't dwell on that. Not now, not ever.

Derek calls her every other day, their conversations stilted and quick, and each day they talk, the more Tammy finds herself questioning things.

Lou is doting and caring. She's still got her issues, but she takes care of Tammy better than Derek ever did. But Tammy doesn't ask how a plethora of pre-natal vitamins and various non-caffeinated teas are suddenly packed into her drawers and cabinets. She doesn't question Lou blending her smoothies and cooking her delicious meals, or rubbing her feet after a long day at work. She doesn't question the flutter in her heart as she rests her head on Lou's chest on particularly long days, with Lou's long and nimble fingers carding through her hair while her free hand holds up a weathered copy of _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_. She doesn't question the blush that rises to her cheeks at the sight of those black rimmed glasses hanging low on Lou's nose.

"You're thinking too hard," Lou hums, voice raspy and quiet as her fingers pause. "Everything okay?"

"Fine," Tammy murmurs tiredly as she shoves her thoughts into the back of her head. "Just thinking about Derek."

Lou pauses at that, her heart skipping a beat beneath Tammy's ear. She swallows before asking, "how are things in suburbia?"

Tammy doesn't know how to reply, but Lou is as intelligent. "That bad, huh?"

"He doesn't like me here." The words don't sit right as she says it. "He's worried that I'm not as faithful as I say I am."

Lou flinches and Tammy curses herself for forgetting about Lou's familiarity with infidelity. "Sorry," she murmurs quietly. "I didn't… you know."

"It's fine," Lou says as she sets her book down before turning to face Tammy. "But… are you… do you think about…"

The words are timid, and on any other day Tammy would laugh at Lou looking sheepish and shy. Tammy swallows nervously. "About what?"

"Don't make me say it," Lou says pleadingly, her blue eyes clear and gentle. "I don't want to be the other woman, Tammy."

"We're not together," Tammy says, but there's no conviction in her voice and she knows Lou knows. "I'm not… we're not…"

Lou just nods, not wanting to add to the conversation and to save them both pain. It's surprisingly easy how they fall back into their old positions, with Lou picking her book back up and Tammy's head sliding back down to rest on Lou's chest. They stay still in silence for a few moments before Tammy feels Lou's arm stretch and wind around her back, her palm warm against the small of her back. She can't fight the smile as that hand wanders over to rest atop her belly.

Tammy doesn't question how her own free hand slowly clasps over Lou's own, holding tight and never letting go.

* * * 

It's all good and fine until Debbie calls weeks later, requesting to Lou and Tammy to come to her visiting hours.

 _"I need to see her,"_ Debbie tries to justify over the phone as Tammy folds Lou's ripped  _Peaches_ shirt. _"I need to apologize for what I did."_

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Tammy sighs as she sets the clothing aside to look up to the crack of the door leading to the garage, where Lou is fiddling with the engine of her motorbike. She bites her lip at the sight of Lou in her coveralls, face dusted with grease and oil. "She's finally getting better. Seeing you could just put back all these months of progress." Tammy can't help the protectiveness (and _jealousy_ , but she won't admit that to Debbie of all people) slip into her voice. Debbie is quiet, mulling over the words, and it occurs then that the other woman has no idea of the perils Lou's been through.

 _"I'm glad she has you,"_ Debbie says quietly, after some time. _"I'm glad she's not alone."_

Tammy sighs guiltily. Lou loves Debbie, more than she's ever loved anyone, and she can't keep them apart, despite the hurt between them.

At one point in time, even _Tammy_ loved Debbie. 

But that's the past, and this is the present, and Tammy can't ignore how Debbie is different and so is Lou and so is _she_.

"You fucked up and I hope you don't think a simple _apology_ will fix all of it," Tammy mutters, "but… I'll ask Lou if she wants to come."

Debbie sighs in relief and gives out a watery chuckle. " _I know. I'll fix this, I swear. Thanks, Tammy."_

"Sure," Tammy mumbles half-heartedly. She's about to open her mouth and talk more when there's commotion over the line.

_"Gotta go. Phone time's over apparently. Tasteless pricks."_

Tammy rolls her eyes and glances back over to where Lou is screwing something into her engine. "Be good, Ocean," she warns jokingly.

Debbie laughs again. _"I don't make promises I can't keep, Tim-Tam."_

* * * 

Taking Lou to see Debbie is a disaster.

Not because she isn't ready--which she _isn't_ , not the slightest--but because Debbie's never been one for sweet words and apologies.

Deborah Ocean is blunt and crass and strategic and suave.

"You look good," Debbie tells them both when they sit down at the table. "I didn't think you'd come, Lou."

At that, Lou stiffens, her hands clawing into her jeans from where they rest under the table. She doesn't comment, and Tammy feels another wave of protectiveness wash over her as she glares in Debbie's direction. She mentally communicates to the Ocean to drop the act, but Debbie is as oblivious as always. "You cut your hair, Lou. Looks good," Debbie compliments, and while it's said with good intentions, Lou doesn't smile or react in any means.

"Debbie," Tammy says, clearing her through and redirecting the Ocean's attention. "How's prison?"

"Boring," Debbie says as she leans back. "Surprisingly uneventful. Nothing like _Orange is the New Black_. No fights or hot prison sex."

Lou flinches again and Tammy glares harder. At least this time, Debbie has the audacity to wince and mutter, "sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"I don't think I can do this," Lou says as she rises from the table. "I can't--"

"Wait," Debbie blurts out, rising so suddenly that the cuffs on the table snag her back down with a thwack to the table. Lou hesitates, concern washing over her features as she watches Debbie rub the ache out of her elbows and take a deep breath. "Wait, Lou, just… I'm not good at this, okay?"

Lou snorts and shakes her head, turning away again when Debbie stops her again. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I slept with him. I'm sorry I left."

Tammy's heart is beating rapidly within her chest as Lou swallows thickly, her fingers clenching into fists as she stares at Debbie with a broken expression. For a moment, it's as if prison doesn't exist, and it's just Debbie and Tammy and Lou in this stupid, tension-riddled abyss nightmare. It feels like an eternity before Lou finally takes a breath and releases her clenched fingers as she stands taller, stands warily and Tammy is terrified for her.

But then Lou's defences crumble as she rasps out, "why wasn't I ever good enough for you?"

Tammy's heart shatters at the question, and judging by the heartbroken, dumbfounded look on Debbie's face, the Ocean is easily as taken aback.

Lou just blinks back tears and shakes her head when Debbie doesn't reply, before she turns on her heels without another word.

The guards step aside and let her pass and Tammy stands, wiping the straggling tears that slide down her cheeks. She turns to Debbie, only to see the other woman looking as devastated as Tammy feels. Debbie gives her a guilty look, but it's filled with understanding and pain as she nods.

"She's the love of my life," Debbie admits softly, looking to her clasped hands. "She's more than good enough to me… and the truth is… I don't deserve her." Debbie's voice cracks as tears build in her eyes as she glances back up at Tammy with a devastated, poignant smile. "I'll never deserve her, Tam."

"No," Tammy says in agreement, jealous and guarded. "You won't. But saying that doesn't mean shit, Deb. You can't con your way out of her life."

Debbie just hangs her head and nods, biting at her lip. She waits a moment before she looks up to Tammy knowingly.

And then the words slip from Debbie's lips, confident and nervous and quiet and loud all in the same:

"You love her."

Tammy's breath hitches, but she can't lie. She stays quiet and offers nothing but the slightest of nods. Debbie just smiles again sadly.

"Give her some time and she'll love you if she doesn't already. God knows you could treat her better than I ever could. Lou deserves someone who can love her as wholly and purely as she loves," Debbie says as she folds her hands and sucks in a deep, pained breath. "I could never give her that. I'm not… that's not me."

"You're copping out," Tammy says, though the malice is gone. "Lou chooses her own fate, not me and definitely not you. She's a big girl. She doesn't need me or you deciding what she does or doesn't deserve. You broke her heart, but self-deprecation doesn't do anything to solve that problem. You need to fix it, but honestly, Debbie, I don't even think you know what you've done wrong. It wasn't just about Claude or the cheating, it was so much more than that." Tammy pauses, waiting for Debbie to reply, but she can see that from the guarded look in the Ocean's eyes, Debbie's still as impassive and prideful as always.

"You don't care about Lou or me," Tammy says boldly. "Even when we were together, you were always looking out for you. It was _always_ about the heist."

Debbie looks away remorsefully as Tammy sighs and hangs her head. "You don't get it, Deb. And that's what hurts the most."

She waits a few moments, but as she expects, Debbie has nothing to say. Tammy gathers herself and nods her head up as she backs away from the table. Debbie still doesn't look up as Tammy turns around before looking over her shoulder with a mournful expression, her voice low and pained as she says:

"Take care of yourself, Deb. I hope when you get out you figure out just what it is that you want."

* * * 

Tammy meets Lou in the parking lot, not surprised to see a cig hanging between the blonde's lips as she leans against her pick-up.

"I thought you were moving towards abstinence."

Lou's head tilts to the side, her eyes bloodshot and weary as Tammy steps closer. She takes one last drag of the stick before she snuffs it with the heel of her boot. "It was either this or driving half a mile to the liquor store. I think I'd say I made the better choice." Tammy hates the heartache in Lou's voice.

"Lou," she whispers, but Lou just shakes her head, shrugging defeatedly.

"Let's just go home."

* * * 

When they get back to the loft, Tammy is surprised to see Derek standing outside the front door.

Lou frowns as she parks the car and looks to Tammy. "Is everything alright? He's never come here before."

Tammy doesn't speak as she exits the car and walks over to the man. Derek's head snaps up at the sharp clack of her heels, his face twisted in anger and betrayal as his eyes flit over her shoulder to wear Lou is only a few steps behind her. He scoffs as soon as Tammy stands in front of him, disgusted.

"Derek, what are you--"

"Save it," Derek cuts her off as he reaches down and wraps his hand around her arm, tugging. "You're coming home, now. I've had enough of this."

"Derek!" Tammy yelps when the man's grip tightens. "Stop, you're hurting me!"

"Let her go," Lou snarls as she bounds over and rips Derek's hand away from Tammy's forearm. "Get out of here, Derek."

"Bitch," Derek spits at her feet, stumbling backwards slightly. Only then does Tammy notice the faint scent of whiskey on his breath. She sees the glazed look in his eyes as he steps into Lou's face, the two of them eye-to-eye as Lou reaches out to place Tammy behind her protectively. Derek follows the motion, his nostrils flaring in rage as he looks back up to an impassive Lou, who stands with her shoulders stiffened and fists clenched in preparation.

"Fucking dyke!" Derek shouts as he reels his fist backwards before slamming it forward. Lou intercepts the punch and shoves him backwards. 

"You don't want to do this," Lou warns as Derek attempts to punch her again, but she deflects it. "I won't hesitate to call the police, man. Leave."

"You don't fucking tell me what to do," Derek slurs as he swings his left fist this time, catching Lou by surprise as his ring slices into her cheek. Tammy gasps as Lou stumbles to the side, holding her bleeding cheek in one hand while she reorients herself. Derek spits again. "You fucked my wife!"

"I didn't!" Tammy pleads, sobbing as Derek kicks at Lou's side before slamming his fist into her face again. "Derek, I didn't cheat on you!"

"Oh save it, you fucking bitch!" Derek snarls as he slaps his hand backwards, his knuckles meeting the side of Tammy's cheek. "You're a slut."

The resounding _thwack_ that echoes through the cold winter air is enough to make Tammy shiver and cower in fear. Before she can react, however, Derek is tackled to the ground with Lou pinning him to her front porch. Tammy watches in horror as Lou lands punch after punch to his face, uncaring about the blind state of rage that she's currently trapped inside. It takes a few moments before Tammy snaps from her own daze and she calls out to Lou.

"Stop," she begs as she pulls at Lou's shoulder. "Stop it, Lou. He's had enough, please."

Lou lands one final punch before she stands, spitting at his shoes. "Get your ass out of here, Derek. I never want to see you on my property again."

Derek groans as he rolls to the side, his eyes glancing up to Tammy with defeat and guilt in his eyes as he looks to the red mark on her cheek. He sits up, woozy as he pulls himself together. Lou stands by Tammy's side, eyes guarded and wary as Derek finally stands with a slouch, his head hung.

"I'm sorry," he whispers as he looks to Tammy again. "I… I'm sorry."

"I want a divorce," Tammy says as she holds her hand over her stomach carefully. "I don't want to be together anymore, Derek."

Derek follows the path of her hand guiltily before gazing back up at her. "What about the kid? They're still mine, Tammy. You can't take that from me."

Tammy bites at her bottom lip, blinking back tears as she whispers, "I don't know. I just… I need space right now."

Derek sighs in defeat before he nods, his shoulders slumped as he turns away. The two of them watch as he gets into his car and drives off in a hurry. Tammy swallows thickly before she turns to face Lou's bloodied and swollen face. She goes to reach out, her fingertips lightly grazing Lou's jawline.

"Come on," Tammy whispers softly, "let's get you cleaned up."

Lou leads them back inside and locks the door before turning around. "I can still call the cops if you want--"

Before Lou can even finish her statement, Tammy bounds forward and presses their lips together in a hurried kiss.

It takes all of two seconds for Lou's body to react to the kiss before she's winding her arms around Tammy's body and pulling her impossibly closer. The two of them barely take a second to breathe as they kiss harder, tongue and teeth and pain and happiness all rolled into one messy connection. Tammy's cheeks wet with tears as she gasps into Lou's lips, her own trembling so hard that she can't figure out if she's drowning or falling into heaven. Their kisses taste of the bitter iron of blood and the salt of tears as they meet again in a breathless lock of lips. Lou holds her closer, clutching onto Tammy like she's afraid to let go.

"I'm sorry," Tammy breathes out as she breaks the kiss to gasp into Lou's lips, "I'm sorry it took this long for me to figure it out."

Lou just laughs, watery and free and happy and Tammy's sure she's never heard a sweeter noise than the hum Lou lets out before they kiss again. 

* * * 

Unlike falling in love with Debbie, falling in love with Lou is easy.

Lou's a protective person by nature, loyal and diligent. She's a gentleman and a flirt, but most importantly, Tammy feels wanted whenever Lou just so much as looks at her. Between her years loving and losing Debbie, and then falling into a loveless marriage with Derek, Tammy's never quite felt as completed as she does with Lou. There's something so beautiful about Lou's tenderness and her rough edges, and it causes Tammy's head to spin.

Even at eight months pregnant, Lou still finds ways to make her feel attractive.

So that's why, when they're laying in bed one night, Tammy can't help but let the words finally slip from her lips.

_"I love you."_

And when Lou looks up to her, eyes clear and lips pulled into an earnest, smitten smile, Tammy feels her heart soar to new places.

Then, when Lou presses a kiss to the bump of her belly before kissing up her front until their lips meet, Lou allows her own confession to pierce the silence of the room. "I love you too," Lou whispers into her kiss, warming Tammy in more than one way. Lou's hands find hers and they clasp together.

That night, they don't have sex. They haven't been intimate yet, what with Lou worried that the baby will be hurt and Tammy being tired almost all the time, but this is a different kind of intimacy. This is the life Danny told Tammy Lou had always wanted, one that Tammy knows Lou was _made_ for. This--Lou holding her like she's made of gold and looking at her like she's worth all the money in the world--this is what Lou had always wanted. While she made for an impressive criminal, it was no secret that Lou craved intimacy and love and _completion_ , and all she wanted to was to be part of a real family, to be wanted.

Tammy can't give Lou riches and diamonds and gold bars, but she can give Lou a family.

And that was something worth more than all the wealth in the world combined.

* * * 

Tammy goes into labor a few weeks later, and Lou is right there by her side.

A girl, six pounds and five ounces lays upon Tammy's chest at the end of a gruelling sixteen-hour ordeal of screaming and crying. She's small and Tammy knows from the way Lou's eyes soften at the sight of her, that her lover is smitten. She holds out Ellie, the name she'd chosen after hours sifting through books with Lou, to the older blonde. At first Lou is wary, but eventually she takes the infant into her arms and Tammy's sure she's never seen Lou look so happy.

"She's beautiful," Lou whispers, terrified to wake the little one. "Look at her fingers and toes. And her cheeks."

Tammy just stays quiet and watches as Lou's eyes mist and she holds Ellie closer to her chest protectively. She can tell that Lou's loved a lot of things in her life, but nothing compares to the fierce love which burns bright in Lou's smitten sapphire gaze. Tammy has to hold back her own tears as she watches Lou gently set herself down on the bed beside Tammy, their shoulders brushing as Lou cradles her daughter closer to to her chest so gently and reverently.

"Nothing will ever happen to you or your Mommy, little pea. I swear to you," Lou promises surely, her finger gently tracing Ellie's little cheeks. Tammy's own eyes water as Ellie lets out a small yawn and snuggles closer against Lou's chest, her nose grazing the soft cotton of Lou's shirt. When Lou's larger hand places itself over Ellie's blanket-clad chest, the little baby's tiny fingers clasp around that nimble, index finger almost reflexively. 

And when Lou looks up at Tammy in pure awe and disbelief, Tammy can't keep herself from leaning over and kissing Lou with the last of her energy.

Lou's lips are trembling as she breaks the kiss and turns her attention back to little Ellie. Already, Tammy can tell that Lou's wrapped around her little girl's finger (literally, if the current picture is anything to go by). Lou sighs contently as Ellie snoozes against her front, bundled in the Australian's protective hold.

In that moment, Tammy wishes she could freeze time and simply keep them locked in this moment forever.

But life works in terrible, twisted ways, and if Tammy knew one thing to be true, it was that life was never on either of their sides.

* * * 

When Ellie is eight months old, Lou gets a call from Danny at three o'clock in the morning.

Tammy is the one who is woken by the ringing, naturally prone to noises, and she swats at Lou's arm around her stomach lazily. 

"Lou," she mutters groggily as she turns in Lou's arms and pecks her neck. "Lou, the phone."

"Mm," Lou groans, snuggling closer. "Leave it."

Tammy just nods, sleep already threatening to take her as Lou's hands massage smooth, soft circles into her back. She tucks her head into the safety of Lou's chest, her ear sliding against her lover's sternum as she seeks out that familiar steady beat. The ringing stops, but then a moment later, it starts again. Tammy groans, her fingers gently pushing into Lou's abdomen as she prods her awake. Lou grumbles again, but doesn't stir until Tammy's cold feet slide up her calves. Lou peeks one eye open blearily, huffing as she reaches over Tammy's curled-up body to grab at her phone and pull it up.

"Hello?" Lou mumbles. "Danny?"

That raises Tammy's attention as Lou suddenly sits up, the tiredness gone from her face. "What do you mean? What did you do?!"

Tammy goes to ask what's going on when suddenly Lou's eyes widen and she freezes. "Who?!"

Danny repeats something on the phone and Tammy hates how Lou's face pales. "Danny, listen to me carefully. Pack what you can and meet me at our bench at Central Park in one hour. Make sure you're not followed. I'll be there. One hour, Dan. Use a fucking timer if you have to. Now turn off your phone."

Lou powers off the phone and quickly turns to Tammy. "Grab a bag, pack the necessities for you and Ellie and then meet me downstairs." 

"Lou, what the fuck is going on?" Tammy asks, latching onto Lou's arm. "What did Danny do?"

Lou takes a deep breath before she looks at Tammy with a stone-cold expression. "He messed with the wrong crowd. Really, really wrong crowd."

That doesn't ease Tammy's confusion. "Which crowd? Who did Danny run into, Lou?"

At that, Lou's gaze hardens further and Tammy hates the next words that leave her mouth.

"My father."

* * * 

Lou drives through the roads until she reaches a house on the corner of a neighbourhood just a few minutes past SoHo.

"Come on," Lou says as she powers off the engine and opens the door. "Let's go."

"Where are we?" Tammy asks, clutching a bundled-up Ellie closer to her chest. "Lou--"

"Don't ask questions, just trust me." Lou says as she stops in front of Tammy's door, a pleading expression on her face. "I swear, when this is over, I will explain everything to you, but I need you to know that right now there is no safer place for you and Ellie than right here, okay? Trust me, Tammy."

The urgency in Lou's voice, coupled with the way she's staring at her with the most pained expression Tammy could ever imagine, are enough to let the younger blonde nod. Lou sighs in relief and reaches into the truck bed to grab at the hastily packed duffle bags as she leads Tammy up the steps. She knocks three times until the door cracks open and a younger woman pokes her head out, glancing at the surroundings before Lou gives her a soft nod.

"We weren't followed. I double backed and counterbalanced the route. No cellphone, pagers, nothing."

"Come in," the woman says softly as she opens the door, passing a sympathetic glance to Tammy and the baby. "Come, it's warm."

Lou nods to Tammy and she follows the older blonde into the house. It's quaint and quiet, nothing out of the ordinary as they kick off their shoes and walk down the hardwood floors to the living room where a tall man is standing with two cups of water. He looks to Lou and sets the glasses down before he reaches out and draws the older woman into his arms. Tammy's brow rises to her forehead in surprise as the man holds onto her tightly.

Despite the tension, Lou still laughs. "Alright you giant oaf, let me go."

"I'm gonna kill that Ocean," the man rumbles, though he doesn't sound particularly angry. He has a thick Australian accent as he looks at Lou up and down before he turns to Tammy. "This isn't Deborah, unless she shrunk and miraculously got over her fear of childbirth?" Tammy's mouth hinges.

"This is Tammy," Lou says as she looks to Tammy with a soft, encouraging expression. "Tammy, this is Harold, my baby brother."

"Harry," the man corrects with a chuckle as Tammy warily shakes his extended hand. "I'm saving Harold for when I'm Lou's age."

"Hey," Lou growls, "age before beauty, baby bro."

"I'm flattered," Harry swoons teasingly. "You're not too bad yourself, sis."

Lou snorts. "It wasn't a compliment, dickhead."

"And I'm Sammy," the woman introduces as she rolls her eyes at the sibling's antics. "I'm Harry's wife."

"You didn't tell me you had a brother," is the first thing that leaves Tammy's lips as she looks to Lou in shock. "You told me about your father--"

"That bastard is the reason why no one knows they're siblings," Sammy tells her, "no one knows we're here. Lou went through hoops to get us an in with the WPA. Got new names and everything. Technically, my name is Sandy and his name is Henry, but only Lou knows our real identities. And you, now."

"Lou moved us out from Australia when she made enough money. Covered her tracks, made sure we weren't followed," Harry says as he wraps his arm around Lou's shoulder. There's something soft in his voice as he continues, "without her, I'd be stuck under Father's unrelenting grip. Lou got me out in time."

"Regardless," Lou says as she pries herself from Harry's embrace. "I have to go help Danny. You'll stay with Harry and Sam until I get back."

"What?" Tammy asks, dumbfounded. "Lou, what are you talking about? Where are you going?"

Lou's gaze softens before she glances over to her brother. Clearing his throat Harry gestures to Sammy to leave the room to give the two some space. Once they've left, Lou glances at her watch before stepping forward and placing her hands on either side of Tammy's cheeks. There's something festering in those blue eyes, and Tammy's heart wrenches in fear as Lou sucks in a deep, shaky breath and places a tender kiss on Tammy's forehead. She can see the cogs in Lou's head ticking and meshing, working a mile a minute as she constructs a plan. Tammy hates that she knows that she can't convince Lou to stay.

"They're going to kill Danny if I don't go," Lou says, her voice trembling. "As long as Father is alive, he's not safe."

"But what about you--"

"I can take care of myself," Lou tells her adamantly. "Father taught me that much, at least."

"Lou," Tammy whispers as tears well in her eyes. "What are you going to do?"

Lou takes a deep breath, her eyes glancing down to Ellie before she leans forward and kisses Tammy sweetly.

After a few tender kisses, Lou leans back and gives her a half-hearted smile.

"I'm going to end this, once and for all."

* * * 

Lou leaves minutes later with a final kiss to her lips and a confident nod of her head, and Tammy feels like her entire life leaves with her.

When that door closes, Tammy finds herself praying for the first time in her life that it'll open again.

* * * 

Lou doesn't come back the next day, or the day after that, or the week that follows.

Tammy grows restless and even Ellie feels the absence of the other woman. Harry and Sammy are more than supportive, always making sure she has everything that she needs. Harry is great with Ellie and Tammy can see all of what Lou could have been without the damage and the scars. Harry is happy and sweet and unturned by the harsh realities of crime. He lives a normal life, does a nine-to-five job at an accounting firm, and loves Crossfit. He grills steaks and drinks beer while watching hockey and cuddles with his wife and does everything that one would do when not caught up in gang warfare.

Harry tells her of his life with Lou, hiding under bed frames while Lou took the brunt of the beatings from their drunken father. Harry tells her of the time Lou snuck him into an arcade for his eighth birthday and they rigged all the games to give them unlimited tickets until they practically bought out the store the next day. He procures a small Yoda figuring from his room and shows it to her, tells her it's the first gift Lou had given him when she'd had enough money. 

She gets bits and pieces of Lou before America. She gets bits and pieces of the woman who became a mother and a guardian and saviour to a little boy and sheltered him from the faults of a broken home, who gave him the life she'd always wanted but never had the chance to live. Harry is misty-eyed when he talks about Lou and Debbie, about how Lou had even bought a ring and was ready to propose until Debbie had up and left her for Becker without a second-glance.

"That bastard took everything from her," Harry tells her one evening as they watch an old re-run of _Full House_. "I won't let him near Lou again."

"Debbie wasn't exactly innocent either," Tammy reminds gently, though she can't keep the bite from her voice. "Becker might have been manipulative, but Debbie still cheated." Harry's brows furrow at that, and she knows that Lou had left out that information. She curses Lou and her need to make sure everyone else was safe and happy, even at the cost of her own well-being. Tammy wants to tell Harry everything, but it's not her place and she knows it.

Sighing, Harry just shakes his head sadly. "Fucking Oceans."

Tammy just chuckles, turning her attention back to the television as she mutters under her breath:

"Yeah, fucking Oceans."

* * * 

 _Fucking Oceans_ is correct, when three months later, Lou knocks on their door--covered in blood and bearing news no one would ever expect.

Danny Ocean is dead.

* * * 

"She's so big now," Lou says as she holds Ellie to her chest, mindful of the bandage around her arm. "I remember when she was a hairless newt."

"I'm glad you thought she looked like a naked mole rat," Tammy replies, deadpan as she finishes taping down some gauze to Lou's forehead. She gathers the bloodied tissues and used alcohol swabs before she stands and deposits them into the trash with a sigh. She returns to the bed where Lou is sitting with Ellie on her lap, her big blue eyes peering up at Lou with fascination and awe. Lou is lost in her gaze, and Tammy's heart twists when she remembers that maybe she's not the only one who had suffered in the months Lou had been gone. "She missed you, you know. Cried almost everyday," Tammy whispers softly.

Ellie gurgles and kicks her feet happily as she recognizes the familiar sensation of her other caregiver as Lou holds her closer at Tammy's admission. It doesn't take a truth-seer to see the guilt which clouds Lou's gaze, but as Tammy slides onto the bed and lays her head on the pillow, her fingers tracing the hem of Lou's boxers, she knows Lou hated their distance. Tammy watches on from where she's laying on the bed, her nimble fingers now tracing patterns into Lou's bruised thighs as Lou presses a kiss to Ellie's mussed brown curls. Ellie curls up against Lou's tensor-wrapped chest, babbling sleepily as Lou holds her closer.

"What happened?" Tammy whispers the words as Lou pecks Ellie's forehead again. "With Danny?"

Lou stills, her lips still in Ellie's soft curls before she sighs and nuzzles the baby's skin gently. "I saw my father."

"What does that mean?" Tammy asks, but something tells me she already knows the answer. Lou looks at her and shakes her head.

"He isn't dead," Lou says with a bitter growl. "I couldn't get to him in time. I tried to save Danny, but…"

Tammy sits up and wraps her arms around Lou's middle and presses her lips to those scratched up shoulders. "I'm sorry, love."

"I called the prison," Lou says softly, her free hand tangling with Tammy's own. "Debbie knows."

"I can't imagine she's taking it well."

Lou flinches and looks away. "I wouldn't know. I… I didn't talk to her."

Tammy mulls over the words and nods, gulping. She reaches up and gently cards her fingers through Lou's hair. It hits her then, as she watches Lou's eyes focus in on Ellie's sleeping body in her arms, that tonight it could have easily been Danny Ocean knocking on their door, informing them of Lou's death instead of his. The thought of Lou dying is enough to draw Tammy into a frenzy as she reaches out and angles Lou's jaw so she lock their lips in a powerful kiss.

"Put her in the nursery," Tammy gasps as she pulls back to stare into Lou's dark eyes. "I need you, Lou."

* * * 

That night, for the first time in their lives, Tammy and Lou finally make love.

Lou's hands are cracked and calloused, but her touch is soft and gentle as she maps the skin on Tammy's body. Her fingers are electric as two of them seat themselves within her wet heat. Lou's mouth is hot like fire against her throat, and Tammy has to remind herself to be careful about hurting the already injured woman as Lou's fingers find a smooth, even pattern of thrusts. Both of her legs are curled over Lou's hips, pinning them flush to each other. Tammy's hands are in Lou's hair, drawing her head back up so they can kiss again. Tammy sighs into Lou's kisses, seeking the safety and comfort as their touches spread wildly.

Lou is alive. Lou is safe.

Lou is here.

And when she comes with a quiet cry which Lou stifles with a blazing kiss, Tammy is reminded that Lou is _hers_.

* * * 

Lou and Tammy return to the loft two years after Danny's death. 

Still, to be safe, Lou installs cameras and security around the loft and double locks all the doors. Ellie is a bit more adventurous now, what with her now finding her mobility. Lou baby-proofs the corners and edges and installs anything and everything fluffy and cute. It makes Tammy laugh, at how Lou once was so cool and suave with her new wave French art posters and random globes and glasses. Now, her living room looks like a _Toys' R Us_ threw up on the floor.

"She's spoiled," Tammy remarks as she watches Ellie and Lou engaged in an episode of Blues' Clues on the television. "She should be sleeping."

"But Blue!" Ellie cries out, pointing with her stodgy finger to the screen. Lou chuckles and holds Ellie closer, cheekily glancing up at Tammy.

"Yeah, Mommy. Blue," Lou replies sweetly, pecking Ellie's cheek. Ellie snuggles in closer, shifting in Lou's arms so her head can rest against the strong flat plane of Lou's chest. Tammy sighs and collapses on the couch next to them, throwing an arm over Ellie and resting her head on Lou's shoulder.

"Love you, Mommy," Ellie hums sleepily as she snuggles deeper into Lou's embrace. "Love you, Mama."

Ellie had taken to calling Lou _Mama_ ever since she learned the word. While the first time it took her by surprise, Lou had never objected. Instead, she had looked to Tammy for hesitant guidance, reassurance, really, to make sure that this was something that Tammy was okay with. Derek hadn't been bothered to come back into Tammy's life after the divorce, and with his absence, Tammy had been granted full custody of Ellie. When Ellie called Lou _Mama_ the second time, Tammy had only nodded in encouragement and acceptance which had Lou tearing up emotionally as she nodded in return.

That night, Lou had thanked her properly with five blissful orgasms.

"You know," Tammy says with a chuckle as she kisses Lou. "In these three years we've been together, I never actually asked you to be my girlfriend."

Lou chuckles at that, pulling a smile from Tammy's lips as Lou kisses her again. "We were never the traditional type, love."

"Lou," Tammy breathes out as she strokes Lou's jaw. "I… I don't think I want you to be my girlfriend."

Lou's face falls, but Tammy shakes her head, silently pleading for her to give her a minute to explain. Lou is patient and steadfast, and relaxes only slightly as Tammy gulps and reaches into her pocket, fumbling slightly. She fishes out a ring and holds it out for Lou to see, her fingers trembling.

"What if…," Tammy trails off, her voice cracking as she struggles to hold back tears. "What if I want you to be my wife instead?"

"Oh honey," Lou gasps as she looks to the ring, her own eyes misting. "Are you sure?"

Tammy just nods, chuckling through her tears as she holds the ring with steadier hands. She's never been so sure in her entire life.

"I want to be a Miller, baby, if you'll have me."

Lou's lips curl up into a wide smile as she nods and holds out her left hand so Tammy can slide on the ring.

She eyes it before she leans over and kisses Tammy on the lips, sweet and low as she breaks the kiss to whisper:

_"Always."_

* * * 

They marry at the city hall in the fall of that year. Lou wears a three-piece suit and Tammy dresses in a simple white gown as they sign their marriage certificate in front of the minister. Since neither of them had family (what with Tammy's folks still upset over her divorce), the only ones in attendance were themselves, Harry and Sammy, and their beautiful ring-bearing daughter, Ellie. It's quiet and low-key, and honestly, it's something they both appreciate.

With Lou's father still on the loose, the last thing they want to do is draw any attention to themselves.

Besides, Tammy thinks as she looks to her sleeping wife (her _wife_ ), marriage is just a fancy word, and nothing more.

 * * * 

Lou still does small cons, but eventually she settles for purchasing an old abandoned club a few blocks from their home. She goes into business with Rusty of all people. Tammy is skeptical at first, what with Lou's prior problems with alcohol and drugs, but eventually Lou is different now. She stands taller, no longer burdened by the weight of her mistakes or her demons. She's domestic and sweet with Ellie and Tammy, a natural mother even if she never had one of her own.

The opening is a success and business booms.

Tammy loves watching Lou come home from early shifts to swing Ellie into her arms and tickle her stomach and blow raspberries into her cheeks. Ellie loves Lou, and in her mind, Tammy has to thank Derek for giving her the greatest gift of her life. At a far glance, Ellie could easily pass for Lou's child, what with her bright blue eyes and dirty blonde hair (it'd lightened in the last few months). She's got the suaveness and effortless swagger that Lou does, and it's amazing how much children can mimic. Tammy will often just watch them from the kitchen as Lou flips through bike magazines with Ellie on her lap.

"She's not getting one of those death machines," Tammy tells her one day as she collapses into Lou's side, eyeing how Ellie peers at the blow-up pictures of Ducati's and Harley's littered across the glossy pages. "I already worry enough about you. I don't need to add our daughter to the list."

"But it's cool," Ellie says with a pout as she looks up to Tammy with those pleading baby blues. "I want to be like Mama."

Lou just chuckles and kisses Ellie's forehead, holding her closer as Tammy rolls her eyes and mumbles, "I swear, you can't ever say no to her."

"I won't confirm or deny that statement," Lou chuckles as she nuzzles into Ellie, all the while smirking up at Tammy. "She's my best friend."

"Yeah," Ellie confirms with a resolute nod. "Best friends."

Tammy goes to say something when suddenly Lou's face scrunches in pain and she hisses. Tammy frowns, worried as she asks, "Lou, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Lou wheezes as she lifts Ellie off of her lap and onto the couch. "Just been getting these weird pains lately."

"Are you cramping?"

"No, I haven't gotten my period in a few months. Who knows, it could be menopause."

Tammy scoffs, shaking her head. "You're only forty-two, Lou."

Lou goes to quip something up when she winces again and keels over. "It's fine," Lou says when she sees Tammy lean forward and Ellie stare up at her with trembling lips and watery eyes, ready to burst into a cry, "it happens sometimes. I've had these pains for months, but they've never been that bad before."

"You're sweating," Tammy says as she observes the clammy pallor of Lou's skin. "Let's go to the doctor. I'm worried it might appendicitis."

"I'd be hurling on the floor if it was," Lou chuckles through the pain, "besides, I've already had it when I six. It's not that."

"That doesn't reassure me," Tammy tells her as she reaches for Lou's arm. "Come on. I'll call Amita to watch over Ellie while we go."

"Auntie Am?" Ellie asks, distracted from Lou's barely-hidden hisses of pain at the sound of her godmother's voice. "We can play princess."

Tammy just nods and half-listens to Ellie babbling about her favourite games with Amita while she pulls up her phone.

 **Tammy [5:30pm]:** Can you come over and watch Ellie? Lou's not feeling good.

 **Tammy [5:30pm]:** I'm taking her to the doctor and I need someone to keep watch over Ellie.

Within seconds, as Tammy is helping Lou to her feet, her phone buzzes.

 **Amita [5:31pm]:** I'll be over in ten minutes. Take care of your wife, xox.

* * *

There's something about Lou dressed in a hospital gown which tears apart Tammy's heart.

Lou is known for making even a garbage bag look fashionable, but right now, dressed in a light blue ass-less gown, Lou just looks _small_.

She gets the whole nine-yards: bloodwork, X-Rays and an MRI, and then all they can do is wait, hand-in-hand, until they get a verdict.

Tammy hates that there's this unsettled feeling in her gut, this almost dread as the clock keeps on ticking. Lou doesn't seem to be faring any better, judging by the nervous look in her eyes and the way she fiddles with the hem of her gown. They're both sitting on the hospital bed, watching as patients come and go into the ER, some looking worse than others. She clenches Lou's hands tighter when she sees a doctor approach them, a clip board in his hand and a pained look on his face. Lou stiffens from beside her, but clutches onto Tammy's hand bravely as she sits up and prepares herself for the results.

Tammy wishes she was as strong or as brave as Lou when the doctor closes the door to their private room and takes a seat beside them.

Tammy wishes she could hold back the tears when he places the scans up on the light posted near the wall.

Tammy wishes she could listen to his muffled, low voice as he explains the cluster of white lumps surrounding Lou's ovaries.

Tammy wishes many things, but wishes are just a fool's dream.

The doctor places his clipboard down and lowers his glasses as Tammy catches him say, "it's not terminal. Not yet."

_Not yet._

It makes Tammy laugh, a sick, guttural sound which causes both Lou and the doctor to look over at her incredulously. Tammy just chuckles again, unable to stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks as she looks to Lou's mournful expression. The doctor takes a breath, eyeing them both sympathetically.

"We should think about our options. We've caught it early and so far it's restricted. We can get you started on chemotherapy…"

His voice fades into a muddled sound, drowned by the ringing in her ears as she looks to Lou's far away expression. She's looking up at the scans with tears in her eyes, but they don't fall. Tammy watches her, keen on memorizing every aspect of her wife and committing it to her memory. They have hope, Lou's not terminal ( _not yet_ , the words still echo in her mind) and she's a fighter. Tammy knows that all her life, Lou has been strong and brave for others.

But now, it's time for Tammy to be the strong and brave one.

So she sucks up the sadness pooling within her and converts it into determination as she looks to the doctor.

"When do we start?"

* * * 

When they go home that day with a bag of prescription medications and leaflets of what to expect, Tammy puts them all aside. 

She's grateful that Amita decided to take Ellie back to her place, because right now, she isn't sure if she could bare to explain it all to little Ellie.

"Lou," Tammy calls out as she looks up to where Lou is standing, back to her, in the kitchen. Lou turns slightly and Tammy's breath hitches at the tears in those blue eyes as they stare at each other from across the room. Tammy slowly goes over to the record player and Lou's brow arches in confusion.

Tammy's shaking fingers pull out at a record before she sets it on the player, setting the needle down until the music starts to play.

"What are you doing?" Lou asks, though she can't keep the smile from her face as Tammy moves across the room and gently tugs at Lou's hands and pulls her into the living room. The soothing piano and the raspy vocals of Stevie Nicks' "Wild Heart" cuts away at the tension which had built a wall between them.

"Dance with me," Tammy says, her voice steady as she places Lou's hands on her hips and drapes her own over Lou's shoulders. "Come on, babe."

Lou smiles, watery and beautiful and tragic as she leans forward so their foreheads brush. Tammy closes her eyes and focuses in on the movements of Lou's body against hers. She lets her face rest in the crook of Lou's neck, her ear pressed against the sharp angle of her collarbone as Lou's hands stroke up and down her back. The two of them forget about the reality of their life and lose themselves in the moment, the sweet moment of retribution and gentleness.

"I love you," Tammy tells her as she massages the nape of Lou's neck, "and I'm still keeping my promise, Lou. I'm not giving up on you."

Lou chuckles into Tammy's ear, her lips pressing a kiss into Tammy's temple as she murmurs, "neither am I, on you."

Tammy pulls back as the song finish, her eyes searching Lou's as she whispers, "we're going to get through this, Lou. Together."

Lou replies with another searing kiss as she dips Tammy into a powerful kiss.

Tammy's hands find themselves tugging at Lou's shirt as she slides it up and over the taller woman's shoulders. They break their kiss for a moment as Lou reaches for Tammy's cardigan, slipping it gently from Tammy's frame. Lou slides her hand against Tammy's smooth stomach until she reaches up to unclasp Tammy's bra and lets it drop to the floor. The two of them keep kissing as Tammy's trembling hands fumble with the buckle of Lou's belt. She undoes the metal latch and reaches for the button of Lou's jeans, popping it open and sliding down the zipper before she reaches inside to cup Lou over her underwear. 

"Fuck," Lou mutters between kisses, her hips canting slightly. "Baby…"

"Let me make you feel good," Tammy whispers as she fingers over the wet patch on Lou's panties. "Let go for me, love."

When Tammy's fingers make contact with the slippery wetness of Lou's cunt, both of them are left breathless.

* * * 

Chemotherapy isn't like it is on the movies.

Sure, some elements are true: the constant vomiting, the weight loss, the hair falling out--but there's something that movies don't capture.

Tammy watches as Lou's skin goes from alabaster to earl grey. She watches as Lou spends more time sleeping than she does awake. She feels the distance between them growing as Lou's strength wanes and eventually she grows so sick that she's unable to stay in the loft. Ellie doesn't understand most of what's happening, but it's her cheer and blissful naivety that keeps Lou smiling. Tammy spends her days at Lou's side, rubbing warmth into her shoulders and back. Lou keeps cracking jokes, gallows humour because she can't do anything else. It annoys the hell out of Tammy, but she knows this is how Lou copes.

"You're beautiful," Tammy tells her one day as she watches Lou hobble from the bathroom to her hospital bed. Lou just laughs.

"You're a great criminal, Tim-Tam, but a terrible liar."

"I'm not lying," Tammy urges as she slips into the bed at Lou's side. "I've never been more attracted to you than I am right now."

Lou rolls her eyes playfully. "I'll make a note of staying bald and weighing ninety-pounds for when I'm out of this shit hole, then." 

Tammy chuckles at the smirk on Lou's tired face, her hands coming up to trace the sharp outline of Lou's jaw. "I love you."

Lou sighs into the touch, her lips softly kissing the inside of Tammy's palms as she replies, "love you too."

They lay in silence, their hands clasped together as Tammy keeps her head on Lou's chest.

"Thank you," Lou whispers softly, after some time. "For giving me a family. For loving me."

Tammy tries to not let the words break her heart, but she can't help it when Lou kisses her forehead and hums contently.

"You and Ellie," Lou murmurs tiredly, "you made my life worth living again."

* * * 

Lou comes home a few weeks after that incident, stronger and more replenished than before.

There's a spark in her eyes that Tammy recognizes as determination. Ellie is still timid around her, still scarred after seeing Lou so sick and helpless, but they don't take too long to rekindle their relationship. Lou teaches Ellie guitar and piano and the two of them hold mini concerts for Tammy, Amita, Harry and Sammy. Lou's brother is a giant softy and spoils his niece, but when he comes over one day to proudly announce that Sammy is pregnant, Lou cries in joy.

For all of her hard edges, everyone who knew Lou Miller as well as Tammy did, underneath that rough exterior was the gentlest woman to ever exist.

And Tammy is every bit head over heels in love with her for it.

* * * 

"She's amazing," Lou whispers from the back of the auditorium as they watch Ellie's piano recital. "She's gonna be the next Chopin."

"She's playing _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ , Lou." Tammy teases her teary-eyed wife with a nudge. "You might want to tune it down a bit."

Lou just ignores her, gone on her daughter with stars in her eyes as Ellie finishes her song and takes a bow. Lou is full of pride and happiness, shouting and hollering so loud that the parents turn and give her an odd look. Tammy glares at all of them, just willing for them to make a comment. She won't take this moment away from Lou, not when Lou loves Ellie so much that she'd bring down the moon and all its stars for her small little hands.

After it's over, Lou hoists Ellie on her shoulders (much to Tammy's protests, but she lets Lou have this one) and walks them over to the ice cream joint across the street. Lou gets chocolate and strawberry and splits it with her daughter. The two of them giggle and laugh, curled up with each other like they've always been joined at the hip. Tammy sits opposite them, nursing her warm cup of coffee as Lou wipes some residual ice cream from Ellie's button nose with a smirk.

"You're my favourite person, Elle," Lou whispers into their daughter's ear. "And then it's Mommy, of course."

Tammy rolls her eyes as Lou winks at her and Ellie bursts into a laugh. 

"And you're mine, Mama. Love you."

"Love you too, kiddo, to the end of the universe and back."

* * * 

Two years later, Tammy sits in that same office with Lou at her side, her eyes glistening in joy as the doctor beams up at them with pride and awe.

 _Remission_.

The word is so short and yet so powerful.

It's not the end of the line, but it's a start, and that night Tammy kisses that word into Lou's skin until it's practically buried between her ribs.

* * * 

For a year, things are normal.

Ellie grows older, Lou grows stronger, and Tammy falls deeper in love.

It's perfect.

_Too perfect._

* * * 

"Debbie texted me," Lou tells her one night after she comes home from a late shift at the bar. "She's out. Got parole early."

Something in Tammy's heart twists as she looks over to Lou. "And?"

"And?" Lou echoes as she settles into the bed beside her wife. "I'm going to pick her up from the cemetery tomorrow."

Tammy can't stop herself from feeling jealous, but Lou just leans over to kiss the pout that had formed on her face.

"I need to see her. She may not be ready to put the past behind us, but I am. I want… closure."

And yeah, Tammy thinks as Lou's body rolls atop hers and her lips kiss a line down her throat, after everything, Lou deserves that much at least.

* * * 

Something in Tammy isn't expecting Lou to bring Debbie over, but she also can't be too surprised when the Ocean walks through their front doors.

"Domestic," Debbie says as she looks around, eyeing the kids toys on the floor before nodding up to Lou with a soft smile. "It suits you, Lou."

"Deborah," Tammy greets, albeit a bit coldly. It's awkward, standing in a room with your wife's ex-girlfriend, who is really your ex-girlfriend, too.

Tammy doesn't dwell on it.

"Tamara," Debbie replies back, arching her brow. "Don't make this weird."

Tammy crosses her arms and huffs. "I'm not."

"It's fine," Lou says as she comes up to stand beside Tammy, winding her arm around the shorter woman's waist. "Deb and I talked, Tam. We're good."

There's confidence in Lou's voice which hadn't been there years ago when they'd seen Debbie in prison. Debbie, to her credit, also looks different. Granted, almost six years in the slammer must not be a good look on anyone, but she's changed. She doesn't seem as impulsive or selfish as she'd once seemed.

"I think we should talk," Debbie says, her voice turning serious as she looks to the two of them. "Really talk, this time. No bull."

Tammy looks her over in quiet contemplation before she lets out a breath and teasingly asks, "who are you and what have done with Debbie Ocean?"

Debbie only shrugs, sad and small as she looks up to Lou over her shoulder with a longing expression.

"Metamorphosis," Debbie answers, "or something like that."

* * * 

When Debbie tells them that she's sorry, it's an earnest apology. 

Tammy isn't blind. She can see that Debbie is still head over heels in love with Lou from the way she keeps passing glances over at her wife ever so often. Debbie even looks to her in the same way, and Tammy hates how it stirs up old feelings within her. She loves Lou, and she reassures herself of that fact with subtle squeezes to Lou's hand underneath the table. Lou just keeps her hand over Tammy's thigh, assertive but not possessive as they talk it out.

"I've got a lot of stuff to work on, but I think I finally realize what I did wrong," Debbie says quietly, her fingers playing with the rim of the coffee cup. "I spent so long just wanting to be better than Danny, to be rich and famous and everything in-between, but I lost sight of what was right in front of me." Debbie's eyes flit upwards and meet Lou's as she swallows back her tears and straightens in her chair. She takes a deep breath and looks at both of them with a sad smile.

"If anything good came of this, it was that you two found each other," Debbie says, and there's a slight undertone of jealousy to her voice which grates Tammy's nerves, but Debbie just shakes her head and laughs. "I'm not a home-wrecker, not anymore. It'll take some time, but I'll move on. Don't worry."

They sit in silence for awhile before Tammy finally decides to speak, her voice hoarse as she says, "I'm sorry about Danny."

Lou stiffens at that and Tammy looks over at her wife guiltily. Debbie sniffles and nods, holding back tears.

"He was my only family," Debbie whispers, her voice quivering. "And I never appreciated him, you know? While he was here. I was stupid and careless, and God, I never even got to say goodbye to my own brother." Tammy's heart breaks when Debbie can't stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks. "Sorry," Debbie rasps out with a watery chuckle, "I'm just… since I've gotten out things have changed. I mean, you and Lou are married and have a kid. What have I got?"

"Us," Tammy says, as she looks to Lou for approval. Lou just nods as Tammy leans forward to place her hands on Debbie's clenched fists. "You got us, Deb."

"You really want me back in your lives?" Debbie asks, almost in awe. Tammy nods, blinking back tears as she laughs and chuckles half-heartedly.

"Let's be real, Ocean. Did you ever really leave?"

* * * 

Debbie slots naturally between them. 

Of course, it's weird at first for all three of them, but oddly enough, it's Ellie who takes to Debbie without a second glance. At first, Debbie was just meant to temporarily stay with them, but then she finds herself between their lives as if nothing had happened. They all fall into a bizarre trap of domesticity, with Lou cooking them dinner, Debbie washing the dishes, and Tammy setting the glasses and table. They talk about family things, like Ellie's homework and her piano practice, of Lou stepping down at the club to take on a part-time position, of Debbie looking for a job in human resources and Tammy's new cookie recipe.

If you'd asked Tammy years ago, she'd never have said that this is where she'd seen her life going.

But life works in mysterious ways, Tammy decides as she watches Lou and Debbie reading to Ellie in her bed one night. She watches them from the shadows, having just finished packing up the leftovers and settling them in the fridge. Both her wife and Debbie were leaned over Ellie, taking turns animating the voices from _Where the Wild Things Are_. Ellie follows along with rapt interest, and when Tammy looks closer, she sees each of her hands are clasped with both of theirs. The sight warms her heart, especially the way Lou presses the odd kiss to Ellie's unruly brown locks between the page breaks, or how Debbie widens her eyes dramatically and gasps when something exciting happens in the story. It's adorable, but it still causes a certain level of unease to pull at Tammy's bones.

If she didn't know any better, Tammy would have assumed Lou and Debbie were the married ones.

Later that night, when Ellie is tucked into bed and Debbie retreats to the guest room, Tammy turns to Lou and kisses her fiercely from where she sits in bed, halfway through _A Doll's House_. Lou moans into the kiss as Tammy's forehead knocks into her glasses, setting them askew on her forehead.

"Mm," Lou hums as Tammy slides Lou's glasses off of her face and settles them on the bedside drawer before straddling the older woman. Lou dog-ears her book and sets it down beside her glasses before leaning up to chase Tammy's lips into another searing kiss. After a few minutes she pants out, "what's this?"

"You're _mine_ ," Tammy mumbles as she nips at Lou's neck, her hands finding their way under the oversized sleep shirt covering Lou's skin. "I love _you_."

The message seems to be crystal clear, if the smirk painted on her wife's face is anything to go on. Lou sits up and pries off her shirt before reaching for Tammy's own. The two of them tangle with each other in the sheets after haphazardly undressing. Lou finds her way on top, with her head between Tammy's thighs and a firm hand on Lou's newly shoulder-length hair. Tammy feels guilty that she doesn't try to keep quiet, but something in the back of her head reminds her that Debbie's room is right next to theirs, and something fuels her libido at the thought of Debbie listening to the sounds only Lou can pull from her. She squeezes her thighs around Lou's head when she comes, gasping and moaning filthily, but not at all fake or forced. It's just what Lou does to her.

Lou takes her four times that night, and Tammy can't help but grin when they're finally spent, her head on Lou's heaving chest.

"You know," Lou says, breathless as she cards her fingers through Tammy's sweaty hair. "I think she got the message after round one."

Tammy blushes, but she can't wipe the smirk off her face as she straddles Lou once again, her lips finding Lou's chest as she kisses a path down her front. Lou sighs contently, her hands not leaving Tammy's hair as Tammy's lips find Lou's other ones, and the grunts and groans she draws from Lou's mouth are a symphony to her ears. She claws into Lou's hips as she continues to kiss and bite and nip and lick at Lou's cunt until Lou finally comes undone with a feral growl. She draws Tammy back up to her lips and they kiss, the taste of Lou's release fresh on Tammy's tongue as they collapse against each other again.

When they finally break apart, Lou looks to the clock and grumbles teasingly. "We should have done this not on a school night."

"It's Tuesday," Tammy laughs as she pokes Lou's side. "You're dropping Ellie at school, not me."

Lou sighs with feigned disinterest, but Tammy knows that car rides with Ellie is Lou's favourite bonding time. "Great."

Her wife goes to shift, but then winces and places a hand over her side. " _Jesus shit_ , Tammy, you really know how to go hard."

Tammy just smirks as Lou opens one eye and glares at her teasingly. "Wipe that smirk off your face, woman."

"I'm just admiring the fruits of my labour."

"Shut up," Lou mutters as she winces again, gripping her side harder. "I honestly think I pulled something in that last round."

Tammy snorts, prodding Lou's shoulder with a playful jab. "Old age is a bitch, hey Miller?"

Lou arches her brow in challenge. "Do you want to test that theory?"

Tammy grins, her hands already moving back to fondle Lou's breasts as she sultrily whispers:

_"Try me."_

* * * 

That morning, after Lou leaves with Ellie for school, Tammy finds Debbie downstairs with a cup of coffee and reddened face.

Tammy doesn't say anything as she fixes herself a cup before coming to sit in front of Debbie with a pointed look, daring her to speak.

Debbie clears her throat after a few moments. "I got it, Tammy. Loud and clear. Way too loud, if you ask me."

"Well," Tammy says with a teasing lilt to her voice, "it's a good thing I'm not asking you then."

* * * 

Tammy doesn't flaunt her marriage with Lou to Debbie anymore literally after that night. 

Debbie spends less time with Lou, but even she can't control the longing glances and the heartfelt touches that linger between them. At first Tammy is pissed, but then she feels sympathetic because here she is practically dangling Lou in front of her like a piece of meat that will never be hers. And Debbie doesn't seem to protest or argue, and she avoids Tammy's scrutinizing gazes whenever she's next to Lou. Tammy tries her best to lessen her possessiveness, but even she can't help it whenever she catches Debbie gazing over at her wife with a lost expression. Lou is her wife, her woman, and she won't lose her to Debbie again.

But even Tammy is caught by surprise when Debbie and her sit at the breakfast bar one day when Lou and Ellie are out playing catch in the yard.

"I still love her," Debbie admits quietly, "I still love Lou. And… I still love you."

Tammy doesn't know what to make of that information, not when Debbie looks so vulnerable and insecure, so unlike she's ever seen her before. Debbie just shrugs helplessly as she turns back to the glass of water in her hands before shakily lifting it to her lips and taking a long, slow sip. 

"You love me?" Tammy asks in disbelief. "But you--"

"I was different then," Debbie says as she sets the glass down. "And you were right, I didn't know what I want."

"And you do now?" Tammy asks, swallowing thickly. Debbie chuckles sadly, nodding as she glances up at her painfully.

"Yeah," Debbie says wistfully, "I do."

* * * 

Tammy begins to notice that things are changing.

Debbie is not awkward around both of them, but the resentment she'd once held for the Ocean has dissipated. She finds herself lingering on Debbie's words, taking comfort in Debbie's touch when they're sitting together on the couch. It's an odd feeling, Tammy thinks, and no matter how much she tries to ignore it, she can still hear Debbie's confession ringing in her ears. She hadn't mentioned it to Lou, not wanting to dredge up old memories or cause a rift between them.

And Lou?

Lou's changed too.

Ever since she'd come home a few weeks ago from a meeting at the club in the afternoon of Debbie's confession, Lou had been more distant and quiet. Part of Tammy wonders if she's figured it out--if she knows that Tammy's feelings are spreading despite everything she's doing to try and keep them at bay. She loves Lou, is in love with her God's sake, but when she looks to Debbie, the small voice at the back of her head asks if she could feel the same for her, too.

"Baby?" Tammy asks whens she finds Lou sitting alone at the kitchen table one early morning, holding a hot cup of tea in her hands. "You okay?"

"Couldn't sleep," Lou rasps as she hangs her head. Tammy takes a seat next to her, frowning.

It's only then when she looks closer, she notices the deep bags which line Lou's eyes, the gauntness of her cheeks. She sees the fatigue and the invisible weight on her shoulders as Lou rubs at her face with a trembling hand. Tammy takes it into her own palm and raises it to her lips, kissing the inside slowly.

"Talk to me," Tammy practically pleads. "Lou…"

Lou turns--and for a moment, Tammy is convinced she's going to confess--but then the excited screaming of their little girl interrupts them. Lou barely has the time to turn before Ellie is charging across the floor and flinging herself into Lou's lap with too much energy for the early hours of the morning. But Ellie's excitement pulls a small smile from Lou's lips, and Tammy watches with tears in her eyes as Lou cradles her close and kisses her hair, her eyes closing.

"Love you, baby girl." Lou's voice is soft, almost remorseful. "Never forget that."

"Mama?" Ellie asks, catching onto the distance tone in Lou's voice. "What's wrong?"

Lou just smiles and smooths back her unruly curls with a small smile. "Nothing, my love. Mama's just tired, is all."

"Good morning," Debbie announces as she pads into the room. "Does someone want blueberry pancakes?" Ellie bounds off of Lou's lap and charges into Debbie's legs, wrapping her arms around the other woman's thighs as Debbie laughs. She lifts Ellie into the air and twirls her, causing Ellie to erupt into a fit of giggles and laughs. Tammy turns her gaze away from them to look at Lou, who has a distant expression glazing over her eyes. If Tammy wasn't worried before, she is now.

"Lou?" Tammy asks, out of earshot of their friend and daughter. "What's going on?"

Lou just shakes her head and leans over to kiss Tammy before whispering, "later. Just… stay here, with me, please. I need you, Tam."

Tammy wants to cry at the defeat in Lou's voice, but Lou shakes her head and kisses her again.

But later never comes, and Tammy doesn't push for Lou to talk again.

* * * 

A few weeks later, when Harry and Sammy are babysitting Ellie, Tammy and Debbie visit Lou at the club.

Tammy's only been a few times, overwhelmed by the swaying and drunken youth and the loud music and flashing lights, but she's willing to take it all to see Lou in her natural element. For a forty-six year old woman, Lou looks more like she's in her thirties if her tight leather pants and slick grey blazer are anything to go for. Tammy is taken away by the way Lou confidently saunters over to both of them at the bar before she presses a kiss to Tammy's temple.

"Hello, my love. What can I make for you today?" Lou hums into her ear before she pecks her cheek. "A Miller Special?"

"You mean your watered down well-vodka?" Debbie chuckles as she slides into the seat next to Tammy. "I'd rather take a _Cap'n'Coke_ instead."

"I haven't heard you call it that since we were teenagers," Tammy guffaws as she turns in Lou's arms to stare at the Ocean. "It's so childish."

"Tastes good though. Better than that poisonous fruity thing you used to drink."

"Hey, I happen to really love schnapps," Tammy pouts as Lou chuckles beside her. "If I remember correctly, Ocean, I could drink _you_ under the table."

"That wasn't the only thing you'd do under the table."

The words leave Debbie's lips faster than can pull them back. Lou stiffens slightly from beside her and Tammy flinches.

"Sorry," Debbie says, looking away. "I didn't--"

"It's fine," Lou says, waving her off as she rubs Tammy's back. "We're fine."

Tammy just nods, offering Debbie a sympathetic smile. "Yeah, we're good, Debs. Beside, we can't not address the elephant in the room."

Debbie arches her brow worriedly. "Which is…?"

Tammy takes pity on her by flinging a bar peanut at the older woman. "Your terrible taste in alcohol, of course."

* * * 

Finally, Tammy can't keep the secret anymore.

"She said she loves us both," Tammy tells Lou that night when they're curled up in bed together. "Debbie. She loves us."

Lou pauses her fingers in Tammy's hair. "How did you respond?"

Lou takes a deep breath, shifting so they're face to face. When Tammy doesn't reply, Lou presses further. "Do you love her, Tammy?"

Lou's always been good at that, being blunt. Sometimes it takes Tammy by surprise, like it does now.

"I didn't say anything."

"Do you love her?" Lou asks again, her hand gently cupping Tammy's cheek. "Answer the question, Tammy."

Tammy gulps nervously as she looks into Lou's crystal eyes and whispers, "I love _you_."

"You can still love me and love her," Lou tells her gently, pecking her forehead. "We don't hide things, Tammy. Please, just answer the question."

Tammy doesn't speak, she can't, when instead she just resorts to giving Lou a soft, barely-there nod.

Lou sighs and leans forward, kissing Tammy gently on the lips. Tammy loses herself in the sensation of Lou's hands weaving their way up her spine under her shirt. She gasps when Lou's knee slots between her thigh and applies the slightest amount of pressure there. Tammy pauses, not wanting this to turn into some sort of distraction as she pulls away from Lou's addicting kisses. She looks to her wife and searches for any sense of betrayal, but she finds none.

But then it hits her, as she looks to the understanding in those warm blue eyes, that maybe it shouldn't be betrayal she was looking for.

"You still love her too," Tammy breathes out, for once with no jealousy or malice. Lou copies Tammy with a slight nod and a watery smile.

"But I love you too," Lou whispers, "and I don't want to lose you."

Tammy knows that despite the years they've cultivated together, fighting through thick and thin, Lou's insecurities never really left. She could feel them on the days when Debbie and Tammy would spend time together and Lou would watch them from afar. She could feel it when they were at the club, with Debbie playing with Tammy's fingers and teasing her about their childhood. Tammy hates that she's reopened a wound in Lou, and she doesn't know how to fix it.

"No," Lou says softly, a watery smile pulling at her lips. "I'm not mad at you. Or upset that you love her. That's not why I've been… "

Tammy's brow scrunches in confusion. "Why've you been so distant?"

"Yeah," Lou murmurs as she sucks in a deep breath and sits up, rubbing at her face. "I…"

The words get stuck in her throat and Tammy sits up when she watches Lou rub at her face tiredly. "Lou," she whispers her name like a prayer. "You can tell me anything, you know that right? No secrets, remember?" Lou nods, removing her hand from her face as she turns to look at Tammy with a defeated expression.

"It's back," she whispers softly, her hand dwarfing Tammy's own as she reaches for it and tangles their fingers. Tammy swallows, shaking her head.

"What's back?" 

But Tammy knows, God does she already know, but she _needs_ Lou to deny it. But when Lou shrugs sadly and tears pool in her eyes, she knows that this isn't some twisted nightmare or fucked up reality. This is her life, this is Lou's life, and she can't protect Lou from this, just like she couldn't do it before.

"Okay," Tammy says after she takes a breath and gathers herself, "okay, so we do what we did last time. We'll get ginger tea for when the nausea is bad--"

"Tammy--"

"--and we'll join that yoga place again, or even try out pilates or meditation--"

"Tammy," Lou's voice is so pained as she interrupts. "Please--"

"--maybe this time we can look into acupuncture for the stress, I heard it's supposed to be beneficial--"

"Tammy!" Lou interrupts, her voice cracking as she places her hands on Tammy's hips and squeezes. "Stop it, _please_. Please… just stop."

"We've done it before, Lou. _You_ beat it before," Tammy urges, clutching onto Lou's shoulders. "This is no different--"

"Except that it _is_ ," Lou says, her voice cracking as she hangs her head. "It is fucking different, Tam. I… It's _spread_."

Tammy's heart thuds in her throat at the admission, and when Lou's heartbroken gaze meets hers, Tammy can't be strong anymore. "Where?" 

Lou swallows thickly, biting at her lip. "Everywhere," she replies, looking away. "There's… there's nothing we can do. I… I guess this is how it ends."

The sound that leaves Tammy's mouth breaks both of their hearts. Tammy swallows, croaking out, "Lou, no--"

"Tammy," Lou croaks as she looks up at Tammy with a defeated expression. " _Please_."

Tammy wants to say something, but at the sheer desperation in Lou's eyes, she knows there's nothing she can say. Instead, she just crawls into Lou's lap and wraps her arms around her wife, holding her close. She buries her head in Lou's neck as she finally lets out the sob she'd been holding back. Lou's own jaw trembles against her temple as she cries, gripping onto Tammy tight enough that they're practically one. They cry together, holding each other until they're finally able to settle. Lou continues to hold Tammy's slumped form in her arms, stroking her hair and kissing her cheek and murmuring sweet nothings.

And then Tammy finally asks the unspoken question, "how long?"

Lou sighs, burrowing her face into Tammy's shoulder. "Six months--maybe eight," she admits quietly, "if I'm lucky."

"Oh Lou," Tammy whimpers as fresh tears flood into her eyes, "I…"

"It's not fair," Lou cries as she crumbles in Tammy's arms. "I'm happy. I'm in love. I have a family. It's… it's not fair. I don't want to go, Tammy, I don't…"

"Ssh," Tammy hushes her as Lou sobs into her arms, wheezing through the force of her cries. "Ssh, Lou, I won't let you go. I made a promise, remember?"

"It's not fair," Lou says, shaking her head as she repeats herself, "it's not fair…"

It really isn't, Tammy decides when Lou finally cries herself to sleep in her arms.

But when has it _ever_ been?

* * * 

Breaking the news to Debbie is harder than Tammy expects.

At first, Debbie thinks it's a joke, and Tammy wishes it were, but then when the realization settles over her friend's expression, they both know it is far from a joke. She stands, paces around the kitchen in a frenzy, muttering in denial until Lou stands and grabs at her wrist, pulling her into her arms. Debbie bursts into a sob, and Tammy's not sure what's more heartbreaking, the defeat on Lou's face or the sheer desperation in Debbie's cries. She stands and walks over, removing one of Lou's arms so she can burrow next to Debbie in her wife's embrace. She can't hold back her own tears as Lou's arms tighten around them.

"My girls," Lou whispers shakily. "Oh how I love you both so much."

Tammy closes her eyes and holds on to both of them, not willing to let either of them go.

* * * 

That night, Tammy doesn't let Debbie retreat to her room after Ellie is tucked into bed.

"Tam?" Debbie croaks, looking to Tammy's hand around her wrist before glancing to her face. "What…?"

"If we do this," Tammy says softly, "you have to be all in. Especially now, Debbie. You can't walk away from this, from _Lou_. Got it?"

Debbie cocks her head, confused as she looks to their hands again before the realization sets in and she glances back up with a bittersweet smile.

"You really want to do this, Tam?"

Tammy doesn't speak as she tugs lightly at Debbie's hand and leads her into the master bedroom, where Lou is slipping on her sleep shirt. Debbie walks behind Tammy as she enters the room, breath hitching in her throat at the sight of Lou's pale thighs on display. Tammy offers her other arm for Lou to take, and her wife strides across the room to clasp their fingers together gently. Debbie looks between the two of them, questioning, waiting, yearning…

"Kiss her," Tammy whispers softly, the hand that was holding Debbie reaching up to tuck a few strands behind Debbie's ear. "Kiss her, Deb."

Debbie isn't someone who needs to be told to do something twice as she looks over to Lou. Tammy takes a step back and watches as Debbie's hands hesitantly cup Lou's cheeks, her eyes searching for Lou's consent. And maybe things do change, because Tammy's never seen Debbie be this considerate, this soft…

Lou gives one last glance at Tammy, silently asking for her consent to carry on, and when Tammy nods, Lou leans down and connects her lips to Debbie's own. A gasp is pulled from Debbie's lips as Lou reaches down to angle Debbie's jaw to deepen the kiss. Tammy can't hold back as she reaches forward and places her own lips on Debbie's neck, kissing at the smooth skin there as her hands slide under the hem of her ex-girlfriend's shirt to splay against the toned skin there. Debbie cries out when Lou nibbles at her bottom lip, her own hand finding Tammy's hair over Debbie's shoulder, pulling them both closer. 

"Ah," Debbie whimpers as Tammy sucks a bite into her neck. "Tam… _Lou_ …"

"I'm here," Lou whispers, but the words come out as a croak. Tammy tightens her grip around Debbie as she looks up to the far away look in Lou's eyes. Debbie moves aside so Tammy can reach up and kiss her wife, tangling her hands in Lou's hair as she presses their bodies closer together as they kiss harder.

When they break apart, Lou's thumbs wipe away the tears which had been falling down her cheeks. "I love you," Lou whispers as she kisses her again.

"I love you," Tammy gasps between kisses as Lou tugs at the hem of her shirt. "I love you so much, Lou."

When her shirt is gone, Tammy turns to see Debbie standing beside them. Lou's lips fall to Tammy's neck and shoulder as she gently nudges Tammy forward. When Tammy reaches out and pulls Debbie into her, when their lips attach, it's like she's being transported back to her teens, to when they first met.

Debbie kisses her like she's starved and Tammy is the first glimpse of food since she's been released from prison. Tammy moans as Lou's hands roam up and down her frame from behind, leaving fire in her wake as she kisses Tammy deeper. Debbie smiles into their kiss as Tammy starts to chuckle, watery and free.

"I missed this," Debbie whispers as she looks up to where Lou is staring at her lovingly. "I missed both of you."

Tammy's arms wind over Debbie's shoulders as she pulls her close and kisses the older woman's neck. "I missed you too, Ocean."

"I'm sorry," Debbie croaks as she looks over to Lou from Tammy's shoulder. "I'm sorry I wasted so much time…"

"None of that now," Lou hums, pulling both women into her chest. "All that matters is that we don't waste any more time."

* * * 

"There's something I need to do."

Tammy looks up from where she's got her head on Lou's bare chest. Debbie glances up from her spot on Lou's opposite shoulder, confused at the guarded tone in Lou's voice. Lou looks down at them both, laying a kiss on both their foreheads as she swallows down the lump in her throat. Tammy frowns.

"What are you talking about, Lou?"

"I didn't tell you the truth," Lou starts, her voice small. "About Danny."

This piques Debbie's interest. "What do you mean? You said he died, that your father--"

"He's not dead," Lou says, and Tammy winces as Debbie stiffens beside her. "Danny's not dead, Deb."

"Lou, you've made a lot of godawful jokes in your life but this one really fuckin' takes the cake--"

"Debbie," Lou interjects. "I'm not joking. Just… just let me explain."

Tammy reaches over and squeezes Debbie's hand, urging her to be patient. She's grateful when Debbie lets out a soft sigh and nods instead, beckoning for Lou to continue. Lou gives Tammy a grateful glance before she turns back to Debbie and squares her jaw determinedly.

"Danny got in trouble with my father, and I knew that there were only two ways that I could save him," Lou explains as she fiddles with the bedsheet rising up Tammy's spine. "Either I met my father head-on and killed him myself, or we faked Danny's death and sent him away to where my father couldn't find him."

"Lou," Debbie mutters in disbelief. "You…"

"I didn't kill Father," Lou growls, "he was too heavily guarded and Danny had a target painted on his back. So we went with option two."

"So my brother has been alive this whole time?" Debbie asks, sitting up. "The entire five and a half years I've grieved, he's really been alive?"

Lou swallows before she nods. "Yeah, Deb. He's in Costa Rica with a family friend, laying low. I wanted to tell you, but no one could know but me."

"So what now?" Tammy asks, redirecting the attention to her. "Your Dad's still out there and Danny can't come home until he's dead?"

When Lou doesn't reply, Tammy pieces it together with a mix of anger and shock. "And you are going to kill him, isn't that right?"

"Lou, this is a terrible idea. You're a criminal, yeah, but you're not a murderer!" Debbie exclaims with a shake of her head. Lou sits up then, sandwiched between both women. Tammy joins them at last, her hand still loosely draped over her wife's waist as Lou gives them both a soft look of remorse.

"I have to do this," Lou says, resolute as she eyes them both. "If I can do one good thing for this God-forsaken planet, it's this. Please."

"You could get killed," Debbie says with a shake of her head. Lou just snorts, chuckling sadly.

"In a year that won't matter," Lou tells her, and Tammy can see it is physically paining Lou to acknowledge the way the words gut Debbie. "I'm alive now, and I need to do this. And I need you to let me do this, Debbie. I love you and Tammy, but this is something I've needed to do long before I met either of you."

"You're not going alone," Tammy says, not letting Debbie interject. "That's my one condition."

"You're not coming with me," Lou tells her sternly before glancing at Debbie. "Neither are you."

"Fine," Tammy growls with a roll of her eyes. "But you aren't going alone, Lou."

Lou worries her bottom lip before she sighs, "fine, I'll call in a favour. But you can't stop me and you can't come after me."

"This is some bullshit--"

"Deborah," Lou growls suddenly, her hands cupping Debbie's face. "Listen, knowing that bastard is dead is the only thing that will give me peace."

"You're not talking about justice," Debbie spits angrily, shoving Lou's hands away. "You want vengeance, Lou."

"It doesn't matter what it is," Lou says as she pulls her hands away and sighs. "I won't let him take anything else away from me anymore."

* * * 

Lou leaves the day after and Tammy is having flashbacks to four years ago when she'd left to save Danny.

Only this time, Lou is a woman on a mission, and there's only one acceptable ending.

When they watch Lou ride away on her bike, Tammy doesn't want to think of the alternatives.

* * * 

Each week that passes is one week less on Lou's biological countdown clock.

Each week that passes, Tammy and Debbie grow more restless.

"Please," she whispers late one night, when Debbie is asleep beside her. "Please, just come back home _alive_."

* * * 

Luckily, she doesn't have to wait as long as she did last time. 

When the door knocks a month later and she opens it to see Lou leaning against Danny Ocean with a shit-eating smirk and swollen eye, her heart expands in her chest. She doesn't care about the injuries as she draws herself into Lou's arms with a relieved gasp. The sound draw's Debbie's attention over from where she'd been with Ellie in the living room. Tammy doesn't let go of Lou as Debbie comes running over, a cry of disbelief leaving her lips at the sight of Danny.

"You idiot!" Debbie growls at him as she wraps her arms around him. "You fucking idiot--I swear on Mom's grave, I'm going to kill you, Danny!"

"Yeah," Danny says wistfully as he holds Debbie closer and closes his eyes as he takes her in. "I'd deserve that, I think."

Debbie then lets go and makes her way over to Lou, trying and failing to keep the glare on her face from turning into a grin.

"Well don't just stand there," Lou chuckles as she opens her arm. "Get in here, jailbird."

"I hate you," Debbie mutters as she folds herself into Lou's embrace and kisses her blindly. "But I love you."

"Boy," Danny whistles as he watches them with his arms crossed. "Five years really makes the world of a difference."

Debbie just flips her brother the bird, while Lou only kisses her harder. Tammy rolls her eyes, snuggling closer into Lou's chest.

"Mama!" 

Lou breaks the kiss at the sound of her daughter's voice. Debbie and Tammy both take a step back so Lou can turn and face the direction of her running child. Lou chuckles and kneel downs and hoist Ellie in her arms. The joyful laugh which leaves Lou's lips is enough to bring tears back to Tammy's eyes as Lou presses kiss after kiss to Ellie's hair and cheeks until the little girl is squirming in her arms. Eventually, Debbie and Tammy come back into her embrace, sandwiching the babbling child between them as Lou kisses both of their foreheads. Debbie has a hand on Lou's waist, while Tammy is holding Ellie's back.

Tammy has seen Lou happy before, but she's never seen Lou like this.

She's never seen Lou fully at peace.

"So it's over then?" Tammy asks, and Lou looks up to her with a soft smile as she nods, tears pooling in her eyes.

"Yeah, love, it's finally over."

* * * 

They get a few more months of love and happiness until life finally catches up to them.

Lou had been fine for the first few weeks after she'd returned from her trip, but then everything progressively got worse.

It started with mobility.

Lou would shake with the effort of simply lifting her hand to comb her hair. Her gait became off-kilter and wobbly, and soon enough she had to retrieve an old cane from her garage just to get around the house. Her legs were constantly swollen and sore, and she was always in pain, even if she hid it well from them. Tammy could always tell that Lou by the faded look in those bright blue eyes. 

Then came the weight loss.

She never fully returned to the same skin and bones as the first night Tammy had found her after Debbie's imprisonment, or even during the first round of cancer, but she does drop enough for bones to replace muscle. She stops eating, only able to keep down a few bites of food at a time. Debbie and Tammy would do their best to encourage her, but even they couldn't force Lou to eat more. Only Ellie was able to keep Lou's spirits up enough to eat more than two bites of food, but even their little girl wasn't enough to fight through the physiological block Lou encountered.

But Lou doesn't stop smiling, doesn't stop laughing, doesn't stop living, despite her body fighting tooth and nail to do the opposite.

It's admirable, really, and Tammy finds herself once again underestimating the effect Lou has on keeping her family strong.

"What keeps her going?" Debbie asks her one day, when Lou is reading a story to Ellie and they're left cleaning the kitchen. Tammy just smiles, tears misting in her eyes as she looks to her other lover with a knowing expression. She puts the dish down and tugs at Debbie's hand, leading them to Ellie's bedroom.

The two of them watch as Lou animates one of Ellie's favourites, her expressions wide and playful, her nimble fingers occasionally sweeping in for an impromptu tickle attack when Ellie is least expecting it. Tammy's hand grasps Debbie's tighter when Lou looks up over Ellie's curly head to smirk at them happily.

Then, Tammy turns to Debbie and says, "I don't think you need me to answer that question."

* * * 

"I made you something, Mama."

Tammy strokes Ellie's hair as their daughter hands Lou a scrapbook. Lou chuckles at the sight, the sound clogged and raspy from the oxygen filtered in Lou's cannula. Debbie sits at Lou's side, her fingers lightly tangled with Lou's own as Ellie snuggles deeper into Lou's side, opening up the book and flipping through the pages. It's a series of photos of the two of them together, chronicling Ellie's young life with her best friend--her _Mama_.

"It's perfect, sweet pea." Lou's voice is hoarse as she chokes out the words. "Just like you."

"Do you remember when we ate donuts until we got sick and Mommy got mad?" Ellie says as she grins up at Lou, who just chuckles in return.

"You were always causing me trouble," Tammy chuckles, pecking Ellie's head. "My little rascals."

Tears well in Tammy's eyes as Ellie shuffles out of her grip to nuzzle into Lou's chest. Lou's free hand comes up and cards through her daughter's hair, gently pulling at the various knots and tangles. Lou kisses her forehead and Ellie closes her eyes in contentment, and Tammy knows there's no better place than Lou's arms. She sits up and places herself on the bed, wedging herself behind Ellie's small body while Debbie lays beside Lou on the other end of the mattress.

"My girls," Lou hums as she kisses each of their heads with a shaky smile. "Make sure you always stay like this, okay? Don't be sad when I'm gone."

"Lou," Debbie protests, but Lou gives her a sad smile, cutting off her interruption with a chaste kiss instead.

"I'll be here," she says as she looks down to Ellie's cloudy eyes, riddled with tears. "Don't you forget that. All you have to do is think of me, and I'll be there."

"Promise?" Ellie asks, raising her hand and extending her pinky. Lou chuckles, nodding as she wraps her pinky around her daughter's own.

"Pinky-promise, sweetheart."

* * * 

In the last few weeks, it slowly comes to a grinding halt.

Most days, Lou struggles to get out of bed, but today, she can't.

"I can't move," Lou rasps tiredly from where she's sandwiched between Debbie and Tammy. "M-My legs…"

Debbie is the one who picks up her up (on any other occasion, the sight of near six-foot Lou being picked up bridal style like some sort of steamy romance character would have made Tammy laugh, but not today) and takes her to the bathroom. Tammy and Debbie take their time bathing Lou, washing her hair, scrubbing lightly at her boney limbs and ashen skin. All the while, they ignore the anger and defeat brewing in those tired blue eyes. When they're finished rinsing Lou clean, Tammy drains the tub while Debbie wraps Lou in a fluffy warm towel before picking her back up and settling her back on the bed.

"This is ridiculous," Lou mutters as Debbie adjusts her cannula and oxygen. "I'm a fucking vegetable."

"A sexy vegetable," Tammy chimes in, nostalgia pulling at her limbs as she remembers the last time Lou had been self-conscious about her body. "I think I remember you telling me that you would play into the bald, ninety-pound kink, remember?" Lou just chuckles, though it hardly carries any weight or feeling.

"Always a smartass, Tammy."

"You love me."

Lou looks at her then, like she's an angel flung from space, with more love in her eyes than the universe could ever hold as she whispers, "yeah, I _do_."

* * *

Eventually, it reaches a point where neither Debbie nor Tammy can take care of Lou by themselves anymore. 

On their final visit, Lou's doctor informs them that the cancer has spread to Lou's brain, and that it won't be long until she'll experience organ failure. It's all very clinical in the way he talks, as if Lou isn't there, as if she's just another person in the conveyer belt of life. It's impersonal and harsh and cold and cruel.

But Tammy secretly prefers the distance. It makes it feel less real.

"She has two options," Dr. Stein, Lou's oncologist says grimly. "She can be admitted here in the hospice ward, or have a home-care option."

"As in…," Debbie trails off, looking to Tammy in concern. "You mean like… until she…"

Dr. Stein grimaces, hanging his head. "Passes," he opts to say instead. "Yes, that's correct."

" _She_ is still here," Lou says, exaggerating the word from where she sits on a wheelchair, a bored look on her face. "And she wants to be at home."

Dr. Stein has the humility to blush at Lou's jab and nods, looking over at Tammy and Debby before handing them a pamphlet. "These are the hospice workers who you can call to make sure everything is set up comfortably. They'll come twice a day to take care of basic necessities, and there's a help number which is available twenty-four hours if you need it. There are also support groups for when the day comes, and the days and weeks, or even months that follow--"

"I'm not dead yet," Lou grumbles as she snatches the pamphlet from his hands. "But good to know you miss me already."

Dr. Stein only offers her a small, sad smile when he senses the teasing lilt to Lou's voice. "You always were a pain in my ass, Lou."

Lou looks over the pamphlet and sighs bittersweetly before she nods up at him. "I gave it my everything, doc."

"You gave more than I've seen anyone in your condition give," Dr. Stein admits, prideful. "Honestly, I pegged you as too stubborn to die."

"Still am," Lou snorts as she looks back at the pamphlet before mumbling, "but there's some things which even I can't fight, I guess."

* * * 

"You're lucky," one of the hospice workers says as she finishes setting up the heart monitor beside Lou's bed. "Most have to watch it happen slowly."

"What are you saying?" Debbie bites out, her eyes red-rimmed as Lou sleeps on the bed, frailer than she's ever been. "How is are _we_ lucky?"

The nurse shrugs and offers them both a sympathetic glance.

"It's not always just the patient who suffers in these cases," the nurse says as she looks to Tammy, "but everyone around them, too."

* * * 

Tammy didn't understand just the weight of those words until a few days later, when Lou could barely open her eyes or talk.

Her primary form of sustenance comes from her IV and her lips are cracked raw. Tammy spends her entire time placing ice chips against those lips, soothing the burning ache of the cuts. Debbie will paint Lou's nails, recounting stories from their wild days running cons and living like there were no consequences. 

Harry comes with a heavily-pregnant Sammy that day, sitting at Lou's side as he takes her hand to place it on Sammy's swollen belly.

"We're naming her after you," Harry whispers as he holds places his hand over hers. "She's gonna be Louise Genevive Miller."

Lou's eyes flit open halfway and a rusty laugh coughs its way out of her throat as she rasps, "you… better f-fuckin'… not."

Harry just laughs, though it comes out watery as he shakes his head. "No," he says quietly, removing her hand so he can hold it tighter. "I just wanted to see if you had anymore fight left in you." Lou makes the faintest attempt at an eye-roll, coughing as she wheezes only moments later. 

"No," Harry says as he draws her hands to his lips and places a soft kiss to her weathered knuckles, "I'm gonna name her Leanne."

"My… first… fake name…?" Lou gasps as she squeezes his hands. "How… p-poetic."

"Leanne Taylor saved a little boy from a life of crime and gave him a family, a new chance, a place to start anew," Harry whispers as tears slide down his cheeks and into his beard as he leans over the bed to kiss Lou's forehead. "Leanne is my hero, because she represents more than just a fake name. She's… everything."

Tears slowly slide from Lou's eyes, dripping into the pillow case as Harry leans back down to kiss her forehead again.

"I love you, sis," he whispers into her skin, "say hi to Mom for me when you go, will you?"

Lou sighs and nods faintly as she gives Harry the best attempt at a smile she can give, even if it's weak and shaky.

"I will."

* * * 

"I… I was… wrong," Lou whispers to them that night, airy and hoarse as she struggles to say the words. "About… what I said before… I… left."

Tammy and Debbie exchange a glance over Lou's frame as the Australian licks her lips and nods at them, tears in her eyes.

"Killing him… it… it didn't give me… peace," Lou admits quietly, "f-falling… falling in l-love… w-with both… with both of you? That… did."

Tammy tries not to cry at how Lou's lips tremble up into a solemn smile. Her hands tremble as she tries to reach up to hold both of them. Tammy takes one of her hands while Debbie takes the other, both of them gripping onto the woman who had been their rock since they'd first taken up together.

"I love… I…," Lou whispers softly, gasping the words as she fights to stay awake. "I… love… you…"

"Ssh," Tammy whispers softly, kissing Lou's chapped lips, "we love you too, baby. We love you so much."

"I'm… I'm… s-so… so… t-tired," Lou mumbles as her eyes struggle to stay open. "I'm… I…"

"It's okay," Debbie repeats Tammy's words then, her voice cracking as she kisses Lou this time. "You can let go now, love. We… we understand."

Lou wheezes as she struggles to keep present, no longer able to form words as she gasps for them. Tammy squeezes her hand tighter, drawing her attention. Lou's eyes, for the first time in weeks, are bright enough that Tammy can see her entire life played out in them, and it breaks her heart into shards of glass.

"We're right here," Tammy whispers, tears sliding down her cheeks as Lou struggles to breathe, "we're not leaving you, Lou."

"We made a promise," Debbie says, stroking Lou's cold cheek. "We didn't break it, Lou. We're right here. You're… you're not alone."

"You're not alone," Tammy echoes as Lou's eyelids slowly slide shut, "you're not alone, Lou. We love you. It's okay, darling. You can go."

And when Lou draws one last, shuddering breath and the heart monitor drones steadily, Tammy knows that her life will never be the same again.

* * * 

Lou's funeral is a private affair, with only Amita, Harry, Sammy, their daughter Charlie, Rusty, Danny, Tammy, Debbie, and Ellie in appearance.

It's quiet and simple something that Lou would have wanted.

Harry says a few words, but only makes it through half of his speech before he breaks down in tears and Sammy has to pull him away. Neither Tammy nor Debbie felt comfortable saying anything, because to them, they were still laying in bed with Lou only weeks ago, holding her close and listening the soothing rasp of her voice. Danny talks about Lou and her protectiveness, of what she'd sacrificed for him, about how she was a second sister to him and how much he loved her. Rusty told similar stories, mostly of Lou and her willingness to take risks that no one else would, of her undivided loyalty and diligence. 

They bury her under the rain and the thunder, their cheeks wet from the mix of tears and precipitation. Debbie stands next to Tammy, with Ellie sandwiched between them. Both of their hands are holding Ellie's little ones as they watch the black casket slowly get lowered into the six-foot trench dug out for it. When it's in the ground, they all take turns throwing their dirt atop the wood, issuing their final goodbyes until the only people who are left are Tammy and Debbie. 

"I'll take her back," Harry tells her as he picks up Ellie in his arms. "Give you two a moment to… _you know._ "

Tammy just nods her appreciation as she watches her daughter and brother-in-law walk towards the small hall opposite to the funeral home. She turns back around to see Debbie sitting on her knees, a handful of dirt in her hands as she kneels over Lou's casket. Tammy takes a small, hesitant step forward before she kneels beside the older woman. She takes her own handful of dirt into her hands and lets her fingers get lost in the crumbly sensation before she swallows.

The rain is beating down now, harder than before, but when Tammy looks up, she sees the faintest blotches of sunlight shining through.

"You remember the first day she saw the rain?" Debbie asks with a sad chuckle. "She was so excited."

Tammy smiles, reminiscing in the memory. "Yeah, I do."

 _It never rains in 'Straya,_ Lou had husked the day they'd first moved to New York. _I don't know why Americans are so annoyed by it._

Tammy can't help but chuckle at the memory of Lou dancing in the rain, only to get sick the next day and to pout like a child.

 _I don't care if I got sick,_ Lou had said between coughs and snot, her teeth flashing in a Cheshire grin. _It'll all be worth it._

"It _was_ worth it," Tammy whispers as she fingers her ring with a smile, before Debbie toss the dirt atop the casket. "It really was, Lou." 

* * * 

Tammy never expected to fall in love with Lou Miller, but not everything is always set in stone.

She's been a criminal, a mother, a wife, and a widow--but if one thing is for certain, Tammy knows that she's stopped trying to predict things.

(Life was always better when you didn't know what was going to come next, anyways.)

**Author's Note:**

> wow nice.


End file.
